We’ve decided to only award points to the contestants belonging to each team AFTER the mid-season draft. Some of you pointed out that it seems like we’re punishing people who drafted well (i.e. have Whitney and Becca remaining on their teams and thus don’t have an opportunity to score as many points in the Women Tell All). We’re actually hoping that this gives teams who aren’t doing as well a chance to catch up and make the finale even more exciting in your leagues.

If you disagree, feel free to award points to the original teams you drafted. Talk to your commissioner and just make sure you’re all on the same page.

Onto the fun stuff!

Y’all submitted some terrific points categories. We culled through the list and pulled out our favorites. Here’s what we’ll be scoring during the Women Tell All (in addition to the regular points):

• Entering a guess as to who will win the show (5 points)
• Apologizing to another contestant (5 points)
• Mentioning a new romantic interest in her life (10 points)
• Asking Chris why he got rid of her (15 points)
• Admitting that feelings still remain for Chris (20 points)
• Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)

No wildcard points for this episode. Good luck!

Wildcard points: 40 points went to Becca for being the first woman to say, “I’m so excited to spend alone time with Chris/without cameras.”

• Becca: 170 points
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling in love” to Chris (20 points)
  • Wildcard points (40 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Kaitlyn: 130 points
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling in love” to Chris (20 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
• Whitney: 175 points
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased love one (10 points)
  • Saying “I love you” (30 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling in love with Chris” (20 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Women Tell All: Special Points Edition

We’re going to add a few special categories to score during the Women Tell All episode next Monday and we’d love your suggestions. Points categories can be phrases or actions. For example, “Rolling her eyes when someone else is talking: 20 points” or “Getting bleeped for profanity: 15 points.” Leave a comment with your suggested categories and we’re going to pick our favorites.

We’ll send out a blog post by Friday with the special points listed out.

The Five Best Moments That Earned Points

1. Ashley I.’s crying face. It’s exactly like a toddler having a tantrum in the candy aisle.
2. Kelsey’s self-diagnosed “panic attack.” We WebMD-ed her symptoms just to check. Turns out the medical diagnosis here is “Manipulative Temper Tantrum.”
3. Britt dancing with Chris at the Big & Rich concert, while hearing the song “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” for what was clearly the first time. Did she not have ears in 2004?
4. The most awkward helicopter ride in Bachelor history. Kelsey tried very hard to impress Chris and Ashley I. (who like, totally has a Master’s degree too, okay?!?!) by reciting the president’s faces on Mt. Rushmore. Calm down, Wikipedia.
5. Kaitlyn spitting out some country rhymez on the group date. Leave it to our girl Kait to shut a date down, flip it, and reverse it.

The Five Best Moments That Didn’t Earn Points

1. When Chris choppered off solo into the sunset, leaving Kelsey and Ashley I. alone in the Badlands.
2. Jade’s awkward run down the streets of Deadwood with Big (or was it Rich?) in order to unlock her songwriting potential. You know that cameraman was like, “Slow down, fuckers.”
3. Kelsey’s ice-cold, laser staredown at Ashley I. when she returned to the canopy bed in the Badlands (sidebar: Canopy Bed in the Badlands would make a great band name. I call it. Mine.).
4. Chris, returning to the group date with Britt, offering a lukewarm non-apology for being a teensy bit insensitive to his other girlfriends while on the date, and then peacing the eff out of there. 
5. Chris’s adorable schoolgirl giggle, which was out in full force during his one-on-one with Becca. Some peeps on Twitter seemed creeped out by it. I found it oddly endearing.

Wildcard points for tonight: 25 points to the first lady who says, “I really need this one-on-one date” (or similar).

Get ready for two back-to-back episodes this week!

You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

On to the points. This might be an unpopular decision but I’m gonna double-down, (so just try and come at me, bro): Whitney is the only one seen do-si-doing on camera with Chris after all the ladies sang individually on the group date. I watched it about five times. Once in slow-mo. So she’s the only one we’re awarding dancing points to (besides Britt, who danced at the concert with Chris).

Peace be with you.

Lastly, we didn’t award any rose ceremony points for the end of Episode 6 because there wasn’t a rose ceremony. Chris did send both Ashley I. and Kelsey home, so that’s probz why ABC skipped the rose ceremony. But no rose = no points.

• Ashley I.: 75 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
• Becca: 80 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 6 (25 points)
• Britt: 60 points
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing for Chris (5 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
  • Dancing with Chris (5 points)
• Carly: 40 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing for Chris (5 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
• Jade: 50 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing for Chris (5 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
• Kaitlyn: 40 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing for Chris (5 points)
• Kelsey: 125 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
  • Needing medical attention (20 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiance or husband (10 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Wildcard points for calling Chris “handsome” on the two-on-one date (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
• Mackenzie: 25 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
• Megan: 40 points 
  • Getting the rose to stay another week in Episode 5 (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing for Chris (5 points)
• Samantha: 0 points
• Whitney: 45 points (stat correction)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing for Chris (5 points)
  • Dancing with Chris (5 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)

If you think we made a mistake with any of the points, please let us know in the comments below. You may have caught something we didn’t.

You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

If you are foaming at the mouth for a mid-season draft, then keep reading.

The Rules:

• You can draft exactly one more lady to your roster.

• You get a bonus of 70 points
• OR you can swap out one of your existing contestants for another lady.

When To Draft:

Points:

• For example, if you pause after Episode 6’s first rose ceremony to draft Jade to your team, and she receives two roses at both ceremonies, you’ll receive all of those points. Drafting AFTER the first rose ceremony of the night just ensures that you aren’t adding a lady to your team who will be immediately axed. That’s it.

Let’s all take a mini-journey of our own, and revisit the most bonkers moments of episode four.

The Five Best Moments That Earned Points

1. Jade’s Cinderella-themed date, which was the most appropriate (if trite) movie plug ABC has ever pulled off in the history of the show. Remember when it was The Lone Ranger during Desiree’s season? More Americans saw the 30-second clip of Des watching The Lone Ranger on “The Bachelor” than actually saw The Lone Ranger.
2. Ashley S. planted a juicy one on Chris after whisper-seducing him with that most flirtatious of lines, “What are you? What are you?” Way to take one for the viewing audience, Chris. Purell those lips, bro.
3. Ashley S. also swooped in with the very first “I love you” of the season. She was just an alien, standing in front of a human male, asking him to love her (and get her back to her home planet).
4. Kaitlyn ditched her bottoms for an impromptu daytime skinny-dip session on the group camping date. It was less “sexy skinny dipping” and more “hanging a full moon.”
5. Jillian snoozed in the pool with her kibbles and bits hanging out, per usual. Let’s start the grassroots campaign now: Jillian’s Black Box for the next Bachelorette.

The Five Best Moments That Didn’t Earn Points

1. Next year, we’re adding the category “Mentions his/her virginity.” Gotta be worth at least 10 to 15 points. And a negative 25 points every time a fully grown-ass woman refers to herself as “innocent.”
2. When Jillian forgot she wasn’t in the locker room at the local CrossFit and asked Chris if he’d rather bang a stinky hobo with a “bird in her hair, the whole nine” or abstain from sex for five years.
3. The Bachelor producers went meta for the second group date and made the women physically compete in an obstacle course race while wearing wedding dresses. There were so many layers to that date that somewhere, a grad student is framing her women’s studies thesis paper around it.
4. Jealousy is pretty par for the course on this show. But Ashley I. took it to the next level when she became so obsessed the princess date she wasn’t invited on, that she got ready for it anyway and paraded around in the house in her rhinestone and desperation encrusted gown.
5. The moment Becca casually mentioned that she was also a virgin, but a virgin who plays it supes cool. Consider Ashley I.’s thunder stolen. THIS HOUSE AIN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR TWO VIRGINS.

Wildcard points: first woman to tell Chris that this is “harder than she expected” next episode gets 15 points

Wildcard Points Winner: No one! Not one lady made a disparaging remark about Ashley S., who was on her best behavior. I guess it’s physics—for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. We’ll make next week’s wildcard points worth double to make up for it.

We will also award 10 points to whichever one of you can tell us what’s going on with Jillian’s undercarriage.

• Amber: 50 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing with Chris (5 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
• Ashley I.: 70 points (stat correction)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Ashley S.: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Becca: 45 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Talking about her parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
• Britt: 45 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Carly: 45 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Jade: 35 points
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Jillian: 80 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out at any point (30 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (1o points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Juelia: 85 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Mentioning a previous husband or fiance (10 points)
  • Mentioning her kid (5 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Kaitlyn: 60 points
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Kelsey: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Mackenzie: 45 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Megan: 35 points (stat correction)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Nikki: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Samantha: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Tracy: 10 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
• Trina: 0 points
• Whitney: 60 points
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Dancing with Chris (5 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

And then there were 15. Dun dun.

Who are your picks for the final 3? Any teams still fully in tact out there?

If you think we made a mistake with any of the points, please let us know in the comments below. You may have caught something we didn’t.

You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Chris Harrison meets with our Bachelor to discuss the cocktail party, and he asks Chris if he remembers anything about last night, proving everyone is hammered on this show.

While the first group date gets underway, we see Jillian and Meg traipsing around Chris’s house. They commit some light B&E, and Jillian’s lower half is blurred throughout the entire segment. Megan dons Chris’s motorcycle helmet and rams it into stainless steel refrigerator, exposed brick, and a wooden wall. This is a simple statement of fact.

Back at the ranch, Juelia reveals she’s a single mother and a widow because her husband killed himself. Highs and lows, this episode, I tell ya.

First Group Date

Chris and his posse show up at a weird, corporate office to attend a pool party. After the obligatory chicken-fight, the gaggle of ladies walk around downtown L.A. and hop on idling tractors to compete in a race—in their bikinis. Just like in Iowa! High marks for authenticity.

Some poor intern spent his entire afternoon schlepping in bales of hay so the group can have a picnic in the middle of the boulevard. This is why L.A. traffic is so awful—random reality shows filming on your freeway ramps.

Mackenzie gets the one-on-one time after the group date and turns up the charm with classic 1-2 punch: “Did you ever have an earring?” and “I like guys with big noses!”

I think when you’re 21 years old and you’re repeatedly told you’re cute your whole life, you think you can say whatever you want and people will just coo over you. Then you turn 30 and realize what an awful, hot little shit you were back then. She’ll get there, you guys.

She asks him if he believes in aliens, seemingly out of the blue. Chris doesn’t have an answer, so he flips the tables around and is like, “Do YOU believe in aliens?”

And what I find inexplicably bizarre is that Mackenzie just shrugs her shoulders and says, “I donno.”

Dude, if you’re going to bring up aliens on the first date, you’d better have a well-developed stance on aliens. She talks about her son a lot. It’s boring.

Fun fact: Mackenzie was 6 when Chris graduated school. She could almost be Chris’s Kale.

Back at the BachMansion, Megan gets the one-on-one date and doesn’t even realize it. She thinks it’s a love note. Her elevator doesn’t quite reach the top floor.

Megan’s One-on-One Date

They take off in a chopper over the Grand Canyon. It’s very Bachelor. We take another dip on the emotional rollercoaster when Megan reveals that her dad died just a few weeks before she came on the show.

That story took the wind outta my snarky sails. Moving on.

Second Group Date

The limo pulls up to a haunted house parking lot and zombies attack the car. The girls freak out and try to make themselves apparate. Amber quickly becomes our favorite by ripping a shot of Fireball before she exits the limo.

Ashley S. doesn’t understand paintball, zombies, or human emotion. She’s Terminator in heels. She walks coldly through a hailstorm of bullets and undead corpses and pumps lead into a few more zombies’ heads, even when the other ladies are like, “That zombie is dead! She’s dead! She’s just an out-of-work actress from Nebraska who wants to work in Hollywood and you’ve maimed her irreparably!”

This is how war crimes happen. This is also why there are waiting periods at gun shops.

Instead of being AT ALL freaked out during the zombie slaughter, Ashley S. turns in a slow circle, looks into the camera and says, “I FEEL LIKE I’M IN MESA VERDE!” which is either A) a complete non-sequitur or B) a sick burn on Mesa Verde.

She sees angels in candles, she talks to cats, and she compliments Chris’ leather and asks him if he wants to lose the whole world. No one is safe. Hide ya kids. Hide ya wife.

The rose goes to Kaitlyn on the group date.

Back at the ranch, Jordan wears sweatpants, drunkenly twerks upside down, and talks mad shit about the other girls. My typical Saturday night. She specifically has a problem with Jillian who has a toned ass but also maybe a hairy one? Suddenly the black bar earlier in the episode makes a lot of sense.

Rose Ceremony

Whitney gives him a bottle of whisky. I thought they were sequestered on the ranch from the outside world. She must’ve bought it off of Tara.

Ashley I. reveals she’s a virgin. Mackenzie loses her damn mind and quickly Googles hymen reconstruction surgery. She also gives bad advice and says that all guys love taking a woman’s virginity. Never take relationship advice from a 21-year-old.

During her one-on-one time at the cocktail party, Ashley I. encourages Chris to rub her belly button ring like she’s some college-girl-on-spring-break genie and everyone in America collectively cringed.

Jordan, who didn’t pump the brakes on her bender in time for the cocktail party, is plastered. Trina the southerner says, “Bless her heart, I think she’s had one too many drinks.”

Jordan says she’s going to step up her game and stumbles around, applying lipstick, and half-interrupting Chris’ one-on-one time. She tries to kiss the camera then tries to kiss Chris.

Chris calls Juelia’s name and Jillian mistakenly steps forward to claim her rose. She trips on her rug when she realizes her mistake. If you didn’t rewind that several dozen times, you can’t sit with us.

It’s official: we’re falling back in love with the Bachelor.

Wildcard points for Monday’s episode: 10 points will go to the first contestant to make a disparaging remark about Ashley S.

Points update: we’ve decided to make a minor tweak to a points category. “Dancing with Chris at a concert” will forever more be known as “Dancing with Chris” and it’s worth 5 points. “Attending a private concert” will now be its own category, worth 5 points. We’ve retroactively awarded Kaitlyn 5 points this week for her breakdancing moment with Chris in the season premiere.

Wildcard Points Winner: Becca earned 20 points for saying “sh*t” in the limo when the zombies streaked past.

• Alissa: 10 points
  • Being selected to go on on a group date (10 points)
• Amber: 45 points
  • Being selected to go on on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Ashley I.: 45 points
  • Being selected to go on on a group date (1o points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Ashley S.: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Becca: 55 points
  • Wildcard Points Winner: first contestant to be bleeped tonight (20 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Britt: 70 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Carly: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Jade: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Jillian: 65 points
  • Having a body point blurred out at any point (3o points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Jordan: 20 points
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
• Juelia: 85 points
  • Mentions her kid (5 points)
  • Mentions a previous husband (10 points)
  • Mentions a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Kaitlyn: 55 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
  • Dancing last week (5 points)
• Kelsey: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Kimberly: 65 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Giving Chris a gift (mini-cactus) (5 points)
  • Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)
• Mackenzie: 60 points
  • Talking about her kid (5 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Dancing with Chris (5 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
• Megan: 80 points
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Kissing Chris on the lips (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Nikki: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Samantha: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Tandra: 10 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
• Tara: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
• Tracy: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Trina: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Whitney: 30 points
  • Giving Chris a gift (bottle of whisky) (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Tell us in the comments: what was your favorite WTF moment last night?

If you think we made a mistake with any of the points, please let us know in the comments below. You may have caught something we didn’t.

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

Limo Introductions

First to step out of the limo is Britt. The hug she gives him is the reason this episode was three hours. She performs lamaze into his lapel for about 45 seconds, then gives him a coupon for a free hug. Are homemade coupons still a thing? I did this for my mom one Christmas when I was little, and even I knew it was lame: “One koupon valid for picking up dog poopies.” Get a real gift.

Following Britt we have Whitney, Kelsey, Megan, and Ashley I. Yawn.

Limo #2 rolls up and Trina steps out first. We completely forget about her because the next contestant Reegan strolls up to Chris with a biohazard cooler. She should’ve gone full crazy, opened the cooler wordlessly, then whispered: “THIS IS ALL THAT’S LEFT OF THE LAST MAN WHO DUMPED ME.”

Not to be upstaged, Tara hops out of the limo, cowboy boots first. She takes a lap and makes a pit stop to slam a jack and coke, burp, and do a costume change. Chris, to his credit, (tentatively) recognizes her when she walks up to him for a second time, now in a cocktail dress. Meh.

Amanda’s eyeballs give Chris a secret admirer note. Jillian the Crossfitter sizes Chris up, but decides to benchpress him later. How much you wanna bet that 90% of her Facebook photos are action shots of her during Crossfit workouts? Mother Kale, Ashley Onion, and Kaitlyn follow. Kaitlyn steals the show by telling Chris he can “plow the bleep out of her field any day.” Ride ‘em, cowgirl.

We’re treated to a limo intermission here, and there is wild speculation about whether there are more girls en route. Chris kicks off one-on-one time with Britt. They eye fuck each other and he basically puts a ring on it right then and there. Whitney takes a hit from a nearby helium tank, then brings up hog insemination with Chris #TalkDirtyToMe. Amanda is up next, and she rewards him with three minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.

Chris pretends like he’s cool with having just 15 contestants, but I can sense the quiet panic. There’s an insatiable greed for MOR LADIEZ.

So of course, the unthinkable happens. MORE LIMOS. The first fifteen girls have already, IMPOSSIBLY, formed alliances and are throwing major shade at the women who are arriving a mere 30 minutes after them. The first 15 ladies were one shot of tequila away from getting matching “Original 15” tattoos. Classic in-group, out-group scenario. Makes the world go round.

The Original 15 assume the position to defend their turf.

“The Others” continue rolling in, and there’s no shortage of sequins or gimmicky introductions. Chris is greeted by airplane seatbelts, motorcycles, whiskey shots, a pig nose, a brutal karaoke performance, and he still repeatedly referred to himself as the “luckiest man in the world.” What a sport liar.

The Originals continue to lose their collective shit as A SIXTH LIMO SHOWS UP. We’re introduced to Tracy, Bo, Kimberly, Kara, and Jade. Kara tells Chris that she thinks they’d make really cute babies, and you can practically see his weiner retreat inside his body.

Apparently while we weren’t looking, Ashley S. nibbled a handful of mushrooms, because she begins waxing philosophic about onions like a stoned college freshman. She approaches Chris and WWE Diva Brittany with a consolation rose and rambling on about how she wants “her time” with Chris. It’s all very awkward.

Then, talking directly to the cameras, she claims to see an onion growing in a bush outside the Bachelor Mansion. Because the producers are on our side, they tell her to go check it out. Ashley remarks, “If it’s a pomegranate, then God bless it.” Spoiler alert: it is a pomegranate. God wants nothing to do with it.

Britt gets the First Impression Rose and lands the first kissing points of the season.

Rose Ceremony

Meanwhile, Tara has killed a fifth of Jack by herself and is stumbling around the mansion hiccuping and slurring. She racks up drunk-on-camera points (editor’s note: I’m always delighted when I get to hand these out) and the rose ceremony is so long that she’s able to cycle through the Five Stages of Drunk: trying to conceal your buzz, shit-talking, uncoordination, acceptance/elation, and passing out.

Let’s order Domino’s! 

The good news is when the rose ceremony finally ended, McDonald’s was serving breakfast. Nothing cures a hangover like a Big Mac.

Kimberley is the first contestant in history (totally unverified) to be dismissed on the first episode and try to crawl her way back in. Gotta admire that perseverance. If you drafted her, she might not be gone forever.

We like where this season is headed.

Wildcard points for Monday’s episode: 20 points will go to the first bleepin’ contestant who has her mouth blurred for profanity.

This show is like an onion—zesty and it hurts our eyes,

Becca and Jorie

What was your favorite part of the premiere? Let us know in the comments!