Highlights from Episode 8:

1. Shawn’s tomato face when Kaitlyn dropped the sex bomb on him. Shawn felt like the belle of the ball when Kaitlyn kicked everyone else off their group date and awarded him with some one-on-one time. He had no idea that he was about to have the wind knocked out of his sails in a big way, courtesy of Nick’s wiener.
2. Shawn referring to Nick as “the other guy.” Grow up. He’s not Voldemort and jealousy ain’t cute.
3. Ben H. being a motherfucking dreamboat. On their one-on-one date, Ben admits that he fears that he isn’t lovable. That is crazy talk, because I’m pretty sure I love him. Also, I wanna get familiar with his bathing suit parts, if you catch my drift.
4. Joe’s silent tantrum after Kaitlyn broke his little cowboy heart. I have to assume that there was more to their relationship than what we saw on camera, because by my estimation they spent a total of 6 1/2 minutes together and he claimed he was IN LOVE with her. Not falling. IN LOVE. We didn’t even get a limo exit interview…
5. The return of Nick’s hairless chest. After Kaitlyn and Nick took a trip to Pound Town, we were treated to some morning after footage of them eating breakfast meats and pawing at each other.

What was your favorite moment from this week’s episode? Do you think Joe is still sulking somewhere in Ireland? What type of murder weapon do you think Shawn brought to Nick’s room? Sound off in the comments!

Our big trip this week is to New England, Connecticut specifically, but before you go thinking this Bachelorette is of the laid-back, humble variety just for keeping things stateside thus far, let’s give her a few more episodes.

Dylan (sorry, who?) gets the first one-on-one date this week, and right away it’s clear that this guy is stressed and sad.

 Dylan on the one-on-one date. 

Andi’s planned a date aboard a steam train that winds its way through the New England countryside. You can’t make a date romantic just by calling it that.

Knowing what comes next, I feel bad for saying it, but I’ve seen domesticated cats look more amused at their owners than Andi and Dylan looked on their train ride. If they had any interesting conversation at all, we’re not privy to it. They talk like strangers who got randomly seated next to each other on an empty, old fashioned steam train to Sob Station.

By dinner time, I’m ready to enter the station and deboard. But Andi clearly hasn’t thought through how much time is enough time to spend on a train. At least give the guy a bed and a magazine. In case we all weren’t miserable enough yet, it’s time to talk Painful Memories.

Dylan and Andi sit in the presence of food and talk exes. Then with a bit of prying from the Bach, Dylan finally says what’s been weighing him down. He tells Andi about the unfortunate deaths of both of his siblings. The New Englander basically admits that if Andi’s aim was to force him down heartwrenching memory lane and call it a date, she #nailedit.

Andi feels bad. He gets the rose, and then in an act more likely to earn her the title Best Babysitter Ever than Compassionate Girlfriend Material, Andi distracts Dylan from his sadness by letting him toot the horn. And that’s no innuendo. Her actual end-of-the-date surprise for him is letting him pull the train horn.

The next day, the group daters wander down to the hotel basketball arena, and this trip is starting to remind me of the sorority “retreat” we took to Cape Cod when we never left the hotel. I wonder if Andi also spent an entire semester’s money on one EPIC formal.

On the court, some WNBA rockstars are here to school the boys in bball, and school them they do. Nick says it best, “We are running around like a bunch of infants and they are barely trying.”

 The WBNA players.

The bachelors.

To put some air back in their sails, Coach Andi benches the WNBA starters for the first time in their lives, and the boys break into teams: Rosebuds versus Five of Hearts.

Andi’s alluded to her history of dating former pro athletes before, but it’s clearer than ever that the athlete thing does it for her when the boys start running the court. She is practically orgasming watching them play.

So she turns up the heat a bit and announces that the winning team will spend the rest of the night with her, while the losers go home.

Brian, an actual basketball coach, steps into the spotlight at this point. He makes shot after and shot and I’m fairly sure it results in Andi’s immaculate impregnation. Led by Brian, the Rosebuds win.

In completely expected news, Josh hates losing.

Allow us to interrupt this broadcast for just one moment to announce that at this point in our viewing session the one and only pantsapreneur favorited a certain Bachelorette Fantasy blog’s tweet. Dear JJ, the league is fine. Please send pants.

Everyone gets cleaned up and they meet for drinks within the confines of the hotel. The first one-on-one conversation of the night is between Andi and Eric, and Andi is on the attack. Girlfriend’s body language is annoyed and she’s pretty blunt about telling Eric she wants him to open more. I get it though. The surest way to get me to bare my soul is to insist it on loudly. Eric does his best to follow her orders and talks a bit about his struggle leaving his religion, but the tone was already set, and it wasn’t one that ended with a hug or a butt slap.

On a brighter note Brian leads Andi back to where he made all the magic happen earlier in the day. They shoot some hoops just the two of them. Points to him for noticing that sports are Andi’s panty-dropping kryptonite. Then Brian’s entire life peaks when Andi challenges him to half court shot, which he makes without using the backboard and celebrates without coming off like an asshole. Andi practically assumes baby making position at this point, but Brian fails to notice, which, if you’re not her, is pretty endearing.

They head back to the party. Per the use the Bach gets passed around like ragdoll/tallisman. Each man that holds it has a turn at sharing Feelings and Beliefs.

And then, boom, Coach Brian mans up to right the wrong he made post-half court victory a few minutes ago. He walks Andi back to the basketball court and plants on her the kiss that he should’ve earlier. Coach Brian > Pro athletes current and former.

Back at the lounge, Nick has no problem reading Andi’s signs — hello public thigh caress — but Coach Brian gets the group date rose. He calls it better than winning a State Championship, so let’s hope his team isn’t watching.

Date number three and we’re still at the hotel. Marcus doesn’t care until he finds out he’s going on the dumbest date ever. Why two people who both hate heights wouldn’t talk themselves out of rappelling down their hotel and decide instead to use the elevator and then get the fuck off the property for a few hours, I’ll never know.

How normal people react to going over a hotel roof. 

They go the rappelling route. Well, at least Marcus does. Andi opts for hanging over the ledge of a hotel rooftop for a while. Then in a moment that reminds me all too much of my parents trying to assemble IKEA furniture together, Marcus “encourages” Andi over the ledge with incessant “lean back” and “look at me” yells. Yeah, because the reason she wasn’t rappelling was because she didn’t know how.

In typical Bach fashion she conquers her fear, they kiss mid-adventure sport, and in an unseen twist, they rappel past the guys’ suite, waving as they pass them. How they resisted the urge to smush their faces against the window at them is beyond me.

Later they chat near food. Marcus curses the guy that cheated on Andi, which I suppose is the only way to discuss the last loser that your girl dated. Hey, I mean it gets him the rose.

After dinner they dance for a crowd and to a country singer I don’t know but they seem sufficiently enthused by. Andi’s dance moves aren’t as bad as I remember them, but the duck face she puts on while she dances is hilarious and makes me glad that my dance face will never be on national television. I’ve seen it in pictures and it ain’t cute.

Rose ceremony day kick off with Andi in her hotel room getting a love letter from a secret admirer. Quit it already, Bukowski!

Then the cocktail party starts. The music is weird approaching her one on one time with Marquel so we think something’s up, but it’s a false alarm. In an act of winning self-deprecation, Marquel teaches her some self defense moves in case he’s not always around. #cute. #morecookies.

Then Eric pulls her aside, and I think it’s to open more, but it’s not. Things go downhill fast in their disagreement about who’s being most open and authentic. Without being petty, this is our take on it.

We all fell in love with Andi last season when she verbally whooped Juan Pablo’s ass. This conversation with Eric feels familiar, though Andi’s verbal sparring here seems stubborn and close-minded rather than badass. While Eric could have made his point a little more clearly and delicately, Andi shuts down right away and, in the end, came off like a drama queen. Was Eric’s feedback necessary? No. But did Andi blow it out of proportion? Yes indeedy.

Andi excuses Eric from the show.

Then Chris Harrison arrives like an angel out of a pig pen and not a moment too soon. Given Eric’s unexpected and dramatic exit and his subsequent sudden death, in place of the rose ceremony Chris and Andi chat about Eric, which is nice. Again, our condolences to Eric’s loved ones.

We’re told that Tasos leaves. Aw, Tasos! We’re not worried about you (but maybe lose the earring?).

Now go out and build brain cells, children. We’ll see you in two weeks.

K, B & J

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We start this week’s two-episode lineup at the Bachelor Mansion, where the bachelors have unanimously (minus Josh, who’s still here) decided on collared short-sleeve shirts. Josh wears a bro tank because douchebag.

The one-on-one date card is for Nick, who looks great in his henley. Me likey. He heads up the coast to meet Andi in Santa Barbara, where they ride their bikes from the wharf along my old running path.

Their date for the day is a mix of beaching, hiking and biking. Zoom in on abs, zoom out on view. They have a fine a time, and Nick seems worth dating. It’s all so normal and nice that I start wondering what brotastic activities are going on back in LA.

Ask and you shall receive. Pan to Andrew and Marcus—two of the more intense lads in the house—who are straight chilling as bros do: shirtless, poolside, and weighing the odds of Nick coming back with a rose. Andrew uses math to figure out Nick has a 50-50 chance. Stick to social media management, Drew Baby.

Back in SB, Andi and Nick are hiking and drinking wine. Amen. Nick admits he’s crushing on Andi, but not in the gangster way, in the middle school way, which makes me feel like his fate is sealed in heartbreak and trust issues post-Bach.

Dinner time. If we learned anything from last season, it’s that courthouse dinners are the new dinner on a yacht, so Andi and Nick head to the Santa Barbara courthouse for yet another candlelit dinner where neither person ever takes a bite of food.  (How do they continue being so nice to each other without any fuel in them!?)

The highlight of the night is Andi’s chandelier earrings, but Nick also admits that he dated his first girlfriend since he was in the womb. Andi asks how Nick is single. Scarred from his past relationship, yadda yadda. Stick your tongue in her mouth already. He gets the rose and then he does. Huzzah!

The next day, the group date kicks off with a bang at the world’s most romantic date spot: Music Academy of the West. But give ‘em a break, guys. This is the show’s nineteenth season, and there are only so many places you can picnic.

Most of the group is still waking up and adequately unthrilled about showing up at classical music’s mecca. Minus one. Brett is jizzing his pants in excitement already.

Inside, Boyz II Men serenade the group to “I’ll Make Love to You,” and I’m pleased with the guys’ reactions: mostly telling tales of touching their first butt and falling in love with their 7th grade girlfriends to these R&B legends. Marquel gets a little too stoked, calling their balland “one of the most iconic songs in the history of music.” Less rhapsodizing, more cookies, Marquel.

The only way to put what happens next is this: The guys suck at singing. They are so bad. A lot of them know they are bad, but some of them don’t, which is entertaining. At a certain point Boyz II Men gives up on the singing lessons and starts in on swagger best practices.

And with that it’s showtime in front of basically all of Santa Barbara on a stage at the outdoor mall. There’s a lot of weird whisper singing and dance moves that are meant to be sexy. This performance is The Confidence Gap in Boyz II Men impersonation form. If it wasn’t so entertaining I’d wish it would end sooner. Finally it does.

Back at the hotel, each of the best new artists is aching for some time with The Bachelorette. Andi plays that classically hilarious joke on Cody where you tell him you think he has a girlfriend. Ha. Dying. As if someone not on a reality show would date Cody!

Before the group date is over, Marcus is in need of some tongue STAT, so he makes some moves on an outdoor couch. I hate when people announce imminent kisses, but Andi plays it off well and gives Marcus the kiss he probably used voodoo dolls to make happen. Anyone else getting an obsessive, Bukowski vibe from him? He’s like the rosy-cheeked boyfriend they introduce in the first 10 minutes of a “Law and Order” episode. You just know he’s the fucking murderer.

Next up is Josh and his baby scarf. He too gets a kiss, during which he moans and tells Andi he wants to kiss her everyday. Ick. But Andi is totally falling for his “game,” and for that I want to whack her upside the head. I can’t stand this brochacho. A few episodes ago, she said was done “going for” professional sports players, and here she is going for the professional sports player. It gets worse.

Andi, who looks a bit tipsy and walk-of-shame-y post makeout with Josh, gives the rose to him, and suddenly me and Marcus are on the same page: piii-iiissed. I’m lecturing my TV on the reasons not to date bros/former athletes/guys whose necks turn scarves into thick bowties, and Marcus assures America that what Josh and Andi have is nothing on what he has with her.

Sun down, sun up. It’s the final date of the week, and it goes to JJ, the—let’s call a spade a spade—tailor/sweatshop manager. It’s his first one-on-one date, and he wears the first date garment of champions: pants of one color with pockets of another. But not for long.

Further proof that The Bach is scraping the bottom of the barrel for date ideas, JJ and Andi transform into old people. For their date. At this rate next season’s best dates are going to be cleaning the Bachelorette Mansion pool and watching the producer’s kids.

Undeniable, however, is the talent that goes into turning them into an old couple. JJ’s newly created bald head is gag worthy. This date also marks the first time wrinkles have ever appeared on the Bachelorette.

In their geriatric garb, they hit the town via scooter. They make fools of themselves in the park, playing catch, giving/getting piggyback rides, and tour basically all of the benches in Santa Barbara County. It’s all very Johnny Knoxville.

Later they have dinner on a couch, which proves my relationship has still got it. JJ talks about his goofballness and how because of it he fears he’ll end up alone. I heart goofballs, so I ate this shit up. So did Andi. He gets the rose.

In real-life sad news, Ron excuses himself from the show after learning of a friend passing.

At the start of the cocktail party, Andi is sad for Ron and thanks the guys for taking time away from their outside lives to be there with her. They actually did that.

Cue musical couches. Aaaaand cue flower delivery from Nick, which arrive during Andi’s one-on-one time with Eric and begs the question why no one has ever done this before. Andi beams as SHE READS THE ENTIRE LETTER IN FRONT OF ERIC. Come on, girl! As soon as you know who it’s from, bookmark that shit for later.

A few more things happen before the rose ceremony.

JJ and Josh team up in the driveway to brew some drama. They decide to approach Andrew about a number he supposedly bragged about getting from a hostess. Realistically, it was the curbside delivery girl at a Chili’s. The most interesting thing about this to me is that the bachelors left the house at some point. I always wondered what they did.

Anyway, JJ and Josh approach Andrew to chat about whether he’s there for the right reasons. Andrews tactic is to deny, deny, deny, and then hide underneath the table. Just kidding. He runs to his room and slams the door.

Meantime, Marcus and Andi make out in a bush and he gives her a note. He even uses the L word, saying “he’s moving toward love,” which means he’s already in love with her and he knows he can’t say it yet. I’m so sure.

Finally it’s rose ceremony time. Patrick is sweating, probably thinking about life without Andrew since the phone number drama came out. Who will he talk F1 with? But his worries are unfounded.

Brett/Haircut and Bradley say their final goodbyes. Brett’s sad, but not as sad as Bradley who sheds some dinosaur tears over the realization that he “loves to love and loves to be loved.” Ay carumba.

Bach Fantasy out,
K, J & B

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P.P.S. Did you know we’re also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time.