Tag Archives: Bachelor fantasy league

Season 20 Episode 8: Points

This week was about 100 minutes of boring, 5 minutes of #CHAD and 5 seconds of JoJo’s mom going vertical with a bottle of champs. Thank you for that gift, Mrs. JoJo.

I know we’ll get these questions so:

  • Unfortunately our rules state that a contestant gets points if she has a secret boyfriend – no points for having an ex come back into the picture (we’ll update this for next season). So close, Chad.
  • Amanda and Ben sat on a blanket on the beach, but did not have any food – no picnic points
  • A lot of girls tonight told the camera they were in love with Ben – this kind of falls in between our two categories. Judge rules that you only get 30 points if you actually say “I love you” to Ben directly.

Amanda: 120 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I love him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Mentioning her kid (5 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiance or husband (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)

Caila: 135 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I love him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

JoJo: 130 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Lauren B.: 130 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I love him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
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Season 20, Episode 7: Recap

This week had us heading to the bustling metropolis of Warsaw, Indiana (population: 14,042).

I never understand why some seasons of “The Bachelor” have seemingly unlimited budgets (grand tours of Europe, expensive dates spent dangling from the sides of tall structures) and other seasons seem to be funded directly out of my own checking account. We’ve had too many lackluster dates this season in terribly boring places. In this episode, one date is LITERALLY standing in a field near a barn and flying a kite, then rowing a rickety old pile of firewood around a pond for a couple of laps. If I paid money for this movie, I’d ask for a refund.

Isn’t the whole non-ironic point of “The Bachelor” to be escapist? It’s hard to indulge in the fantasy of finding love in a six-week whirlwind romance when the dates are the kind that I went on in college, where the single goal was: “How can I spend the LEAST amount of money possible and still have a marginally enjoyable time?” Just kidding, I didn’t go on any dates in college.

We’re treated to a montage of Ben driving around his all-American hometown in a vintage red pick-up truck. This is the stuff Ted Cruz’s wet dreams are made of. They act like Ben still lives in Warsaw even though he took the first train outta that one-stoplight town the moment he turned 18.

Remember, the Bachelor always needs a shtick. Chris Soules: Farmer Joe. Juan Pablo: Latin American sex god with the interior of a philandering, middle-aged real estate developer. Ben: 1950s-esque All-American Quarterback from Small Town USA. Basically, Ben grew up tall, and he grew up right, with them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights.

While the ladies wait on a nearby dock, Ben is shown cruising across the lake at a sensible speed in a giant pontoon, like a geriatric James Bond. Caila, who has moved 17 times but apparently never near a lake, attempts to stop the boat with her biceps and is nearly knocked off the dock in the process. We were thisclose to medical attention points.

Lauren B. gets the first frugal date, which consists of Ben driving her ass around town in a pick-up and waving at the people he could not wait to move far, far away from. While riding, he points out his high school and Lauren B. asks him what position he played on the football team. He could NOT contain his smile when he answered, “Quarterback” and I donno, maybe at that moment, I bought into this Small Town USA fantasy too.

Lauren and Ben shoot hoops and play recess games with local chickadees. After they kiss, one kid says to the camera, “Lauren and Ben did the smushy smushy.”

Do-not-think-it-means

Ronny, the Half-Court King of Warsaw came down from his castle to dunk a half-court shot and the coach LOST HIS MIND. Then Ben, former local quarterback, calls in some favors and the Indiana Pacers come through the door—several men with either the first name or the surname George. Lauren says she can really appreciate the Pacers because she used to play basketball.

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Ben and JoJo go to Wrigley Field on the next one-on-one. As a Chicagoan, I’m annoyed that this corn-fed Hoosier boy is claiming WRIGLEY FLIPPIN’ FIELD as part of his “Special Places in his Hometown” Grand Tour. Wrigley is 128 miles from Warsaw.

JoJo is chattering away on the pitcher’s mound. Ben steps up to the plate and is like, “Seriously, just shut up for a second, lady” and he tries to block her from his line of vision. He says this has been a dream of his for 26 years and he wants to pretend she’s not here.

JoJo has potential as the next bachelorette, non? She has a good amount of personality and sass (I think).

Everyone’s pissed on the group date. Caila, Amanda, and Becca accompany Ben to a random field, where the frugal date is: flying a kite. I’d be like, “Seriously, fuck this, I’ll be in the limo scrolling through Instagram if you need me.”

Caila expresses a fear about not having Deep Roots because her family has moved 17 (!!!) times throughout her life. She makes a weird metaphor about being a moss who wants to find a tree to stick to? She’s just a moss-girl, standing in front of a tree-man, asking him to let her grow on him.

Becca isn’t really digging the show anymore. She liked it better when Farmer Chris was basically begging her to love him. She asks Ben not to blindside her. Spoiler alert: Ben blindsides her.

The group date rose goes to Amanda so she is rewarded with extra one-on-one time. She can barely conceal her disappointment when the evening’s date is revealed to be…SERVING MCDONALD’S IN A DRIVE-THRU. It’s such a thinly veiled promotion for McDonald’s new all-day breakfast menu. Here’s your future in Warsaw, Amanda: being the prettiest girl at the drive-thru window. I feel like The Bachelor really sold its soul down the river for this product placement.  

Amanda and Ben then stroll through a carnival, which has since been ruined for me because I read an article that stated the Bach producers set the carnival up solely for the show. They apparently charged these townies $25 a pop to get in and ogle at the mere presence of two people who have lived outside of Warsaw, Indiana.

The last one-on-one date goes to Emily, and their cheap-ass date is literally just meeting Ben’s parents, which is next door to where the girls are staying. Because yeah, the girl you want to bring home to meet Ma and Pa is the 23-year-old aspiring NFL cheerleader/identical twin from Las Vegas. Ill-advised, Benjamin. Mrs. Higgins actually wept at the prospect of Emily becoming her daughter-in-law.

When Ben lets Emily go, all the girls burst into tears on the couch, hugging her and crying together. Clearly she was a house favorite. She certainly seems like the funnest girl on your dorm floor. Probably not ready to enter a legally binding lifelong contract, though. 

In the end, we say goodbye to Becca too. Better luck next season, Becs.

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Season 20, Episode 7: Points

The Bachelor heads to Ben’s all-American hometown in Warsaw, Indiana, where the contestants looked bored as they fly kites, ride a pontoon back and forth across a lake, drive 200 miles to see Wrigley Field, and then come back to serve McDonald’s to the townspeople in a (terribly) sponsored bit of content. Warsaw, Indiana: It’s Just a Small Town in Indiana, Despite How Hard “The Bachelor” Tried to Prove Otherwise.

We bid adieu to Emily and Becca, so the ladies making it to the Final Four (AKA Hometowns) are Amanda, JoJo, Caila, and Lauren B. We’ll award those points next week when Ben actually visits the hometowns.

FYI, wildcard points (20 of ’em) went to JoJo for being the first to mention Hometown Dates tonight.

  • Amanda (110 points) 
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Mentioning her kids (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for Ben” to the camera (20 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Becca (45 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Caila (80 points) 
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Emily (80 points) 
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelor’s family or friends (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • JoJo (90 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points for mentioning hometowns (20 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren B. (100 points) 
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the camera (20 points)
    • Meeting the Bachelor’s family or friends (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

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Season 20, Episode 5: Recap

People in the Twitterverse are complaining that Ben, is bland but I think he is suffering from a major case of Being Aware That the Camera is Always On. Remember America, it could always be worse.

juan pablo with rose

The Bachgaggle descends on Mexico. They frolic thru Mexico City with the carefree innocence of people who don’t read the news and have never heard of El Chapo. These broads feel more excited about a hotel room with some queen size beds and a bidet than I’ve felt about anything in my life. And I’ve seen Beyonce thrice.

Amanda gets the first one-on-one. Ben sneaks into the hotel and wakes up the ladies at 3 a.m. Lauren H. is wearing a retainer that she not-so-subtly pulls out when the camera is pushed into her face. (I mean, good for her. Teeth shift as you age and braces are expensive. If Ben’s into frugality, maybe she’ll earn some marks.)

To be honest, I don’t like the mandatory “Sneak in and wake up the ladies early to catch them without makeup!” routine that the Bachelor always does. It feels very, “Let’s look under the hood of this Ferrari and see what we’re REALLY dealing with!”

And you’re kind of screwed either way, right? Either you wear full stage makeup and hair to bed and you look like a tryhard Disney princess, or you go to bed with a washed face like a normal person and Men’s Rights Activists (lollll) explode with glee on Twitter that “HA WE KNEW IT YOU’RE A NORMAL GIRL and women alwayz be trapping men this way!”

Regardless, Amanda is in full makeup. I saw LIPGLOSS. Either a producer tipped her off or she goes to bed camera-ready every night while on The Bachelor. It makes me feel sad.

They go up in a hot air balloon. Amanda talks about her deadbeat ex, who preferred to go out and party in SoCal rather than stay at home with his wife and two young daughters. Not excusing his behavior in any way (don’t have kids if you’re not prepared to be a dad), but he was probably 23 when this all went down. At 23, I could barely keep a houseplant alive let alone a marriage. This is a case of Too Much Too Soon.

The group date heads to a Spanish lesson and then onto a cooking class. “Who doesn’t like to eat food on dates?” asks Ben, to which I answer, “Every contestant on this show, but thanks for trying.”

Olivia is a pariah who does everything short of curb-stomping Jubilee to claim Ben as her cooking partner. She asserts to the camera that she loves Ben and that they have a secret love language all their own. Love is a two-way street and Olivia is hitchhiking all by herself along the side of Higgins Highway.

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The contestants pair off and cook a gourmet meal that will be judged by this cute pair of Mexican chefs who sass the contestants a bit. (“This looks like dog food,” said the female chef, in reference to Olivia and Ben’s creation.) The female chef has the most personality of anyone on this show, and now I want her to be the next Bachelorette.

JoJo prepared a taco dish AND a lengthy monologue positively riddled with innuendo. “My taco is amazing. Ben already tasted my taco and he loved it,” she says with a completely straight face.

Jubilee is in a funk the entire date, which is often the kiss of death. Never brood on the Bach. Ya gotta be on. You have 6.5 days a week to be “off” and a couple of hours mandatory to be “on.” You have to be the Grand Marshal of the Pollyanna parade. It sucks, because it’s not how it is in real life, but them’s the breaks. Accordingly, Jubes is sent home early. Fare thee well, my dear.

In a strange twist, Olivia gets the group date rose. “You don’t even have to say congrats, you don’t even have to say it,” she assures the other contestants, with less self-awareness than my dog.

Lauren H., the low-key racist,  gets the next one-on-one. They casually pop into a Mexican boutique and, before we know it, they are invited to participate in Mexican Fashion Week. It’s almost like it was planned.

Though she is sweet, I’m not sure Lauren H. has emotionally graduated from college. She could still easily pass as the vice president of any sorority, anywhere.

Ben: “Have you ever modeled?” 

Lauren: “Well, I can’t keep a straight face”

That’s not answering the question. No, Lauren H. from Michigan, you have never modeled. Like, just say it, it’s okay. Most of us haven’t either.

“There’s no one here who looks as beautiful as you,” monotones Ben. She wobbles down the catwalk, blinking rapidly but holding her own. From where I stand, the key to modeling (other than letting your hips enter the room about three seconds before the rest of your body) is to give zero fucks. ZERO. You’re so bored. You’re so hot that these unwashed masses are LUCKY that they’re paying to see you strut in front of them.

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Ben served up some Blue Steel realness and he tapped into that slightly cocky, I know I’m hot model face. LET’S DIP INTO THAT WELL MORE, SHALL WE?

Lauren H. shares a “sob story” about some frat bro who cheated on her when she was 19. (So last year…) She gets the rose but she isn’t long for this world.

The cocktail party is a little tense. Olivia keeps rubbing her face with her rose and the girls are not about it. To try and build some goodwill, Olivia responds to Amanda talking about her children by commenting that “it’s like Teen Mom.”

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When Amanda is appropriately offended by this, Olivia backtracks, clarifying that she was talking about the show. Yeah. We got that.

This is the last straw for Emily. She tells Ben that Olivia sucks and Ben is happy because this means they’ve finally reached the point in the season where he is legally allowed to kick Olivia off the show. As the rose ceremony starts, Ben asks if he can speak to Olivia, and the episode ends. The previews from next week tell us we’re going to handing out A LOT of crying points.

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Season 20, Episode 5: Points

Vaminos a Mexico! The contestants frolicked through Mexico City with the carefree innocence of people who don’t read the news and have never heard of El Chapo.

Wildcard points would have gone to the first lady to go for a swim (we thought Mexico = beaches or a pool of some sort) and yet no one took a dive. So no wildcard points tonight.

It was also the first cliffhanger of the season (no rose ceremony), poorly timed for our Mid-Season Draft. ALAS, the same thing happened last year so we have a road map. Come back later this afternoon for the official unveiling of the Season 20 Mid-Season Draft Rules & Regs. We out.

  • Amanda (105 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
    • Mentioning her kids (5 points)
    • Mentioning a previous husband (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for Ben” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Becca (50 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelor (30 points)
  • Caila (40 points) 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Ben (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Emily (40 points) STAT CORRECTION 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Jennifer (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • JoJo (20 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Jubilee (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Lauren B. (40 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to Ben (20 points)
  • Lauren H. (75 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Leah (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Olivia (80 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for Ben” to the camera (20 points)
      • Editor’s note: she also said “I love Ben” but she only receives points for that if she says “I love you” to Ben himself 
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (a ring; WTF) (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)

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Season 20 Episode 4: Recap

It’s here: week four of The Olivia Show. Now that Lace is gone, the Reservoir of Crazy has fallen to dangerously low levels. That’s why the producers are forcing Ben at knifepoint to keep Olivia around.

Chris Harrison starts the episode by telling the women that Ben is no longer in LA. A few of them look truly terrified, as if Harrison is some sociopath that came to tell them Ben had been kidnapped with a smile on his face. Others (AKA those who have seen and/or been on this show) recognize this as a clue that they are about to travel somewhere. Turns out it’s Vegas, which is like 4 hours from where they already are.  

The girls arrive at their suite, and find out that JoJo is going on the first one on one date with Ben. She dusts off her best pair of daisy dukes and meets Ben on an expanse of concrete for a glass of champagne. Guys, you’ll never believe this, but a helicopter appears above them. It’s for them! They’re going on a helicopter! The twists and turns on this show, I tell you. In perhaps my favorite moment of the series, the gusts coming off the chopper knock over their champagne table and glasses, and Ben and JoJo duck and cover behind it. #unscripted

I honestly forget what happens on the rest of their date, so that’s how you know that was really good. I’m pretty sure they stood outside somewhere and JoJo showered Ben with gratitude for choosing to spend 3 hours with her this week. They kiss a lot, etc.

This week’s group date has a theme and it’s humiliation (though that’s arguably the theme of this whole show). Ben takes the women to some tourist trap headlined by Terry FartNoise and a bunch of puppets. I’m sure he’s big in the puppet world and all, but his show would be like my 99th choice for a date. I’d prefer Alex Morgan kicking a soccer ball directly at my face over this show.

To make it worse for everyone involved, but mostly the audience of sweet and unsuspecting geriatrics, the girls are each going to perform a “talent” to open the show. Most of the girls choose something silly that clearly communicates they are in on the joke. Olivia chooses to put on a sequined headdress and bikini and perform…something. She hobbles out of a cake and then awkwardly prances around and attempts some high kicks while the rest of us, Ben included, cringe in our seats.

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The point Olivia was trying to make to Ben

Self-awareness is a fickle bitch. On one hand, Olivia wasn’t self-aware enough to stop herself from getting in that cake or wearing that headdress. But then she quickly and accurately identified her post-performance hug from Ben as a pity hug. Right on, girl. Then in the blink of an eye she’s basically telling us that she and Ben are Allie and Noah from The Notebook.

Next, Becca gets a wedding dress and the one-on-one date. Ladies, do not try this at home. Do NOT wear a wedding dress on your first date. This tactic is only to be tried in the alternate Bschelor Universe. Ben and Becca spend the day officiating Vegas weddings, then find a nice cozy spot among a collection of broken down neon signs to discuss their virginities. I can’t think of the last time one of my first dates didn’t end that way.

The next day, Ben decides, is the day when he will both have his first conversations with the twins AND send one of them home. He invites them on a surprise date to their own house. They show Ben their bedrooms, which have not been professionally staged, and we are immediately reminded that these two are 22.

The twins’ mom offers to help Ben decide which of her daughters to dump. She tells him that Emily always gets more attention and that Haley has a hard time opening up and letting her guard down. Fifteen seconds later Ben dumps Haley in front of mom and their four dachshunds. Emily seems sad on the walk from the house to the limo, then starts sucking Ben’s face as soon as they’re in the car. What sister?

The cocktail party this week is relatively uneventful. Olivia apologizes for her Gypsy Rose Lee impression once again while sharing a piece of cake with Ben and antagonizing the other women. In the end, Ben sends home Amber and Rachel packing, honoring his contractual obligation to keep Olivia on the show until the producers decide her shtick is stale.

 

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Season 20, Episode 4: Points

 

The Bachelor crew headed to Sin City last night and the producers trotted out all the ol’ Las Vegas standbys: showgirls, Terry Fator and that dang puppet, the Chapel of Love, the Neon Boneyard, Fremont Street…gang’s all here! Wildcard points (15 of ’em) went to JoJo for saying that she “needed” the one-on-one date.

  • Amanda (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Amber (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Becca (70 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Discussing her virginity (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Caila (70 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Wearing a costume native to another  country (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Giving the Bachelor a gift (a cookie) (5 points)
  • Emily (80 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Wearing a costume native to another  country (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Haley (55 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Wearing a costume native to another  country (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Saying “steal Ben away” during said interruption (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Jennifer (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • JoJo (80 points)
    • WILDCARD: First to say she “needs” the one-on-one (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing Ben on the lips (10 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jubilee (40 points) 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Playing an instrument for the Bachelor (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren B. (70 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for him” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Lauren H. (60 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Singing for the Bachelor (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Leah (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Olivia (100 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelor (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Rachel (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)

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Season 20, Episode 3: Recap

And just like that, we’re a third of the way into the season of #TheBach. Time flies when you’re drunk.

The first date card comes and one of the remaining Laurens is selected. This Lauren is likeable and sweet and we are universally Happy For Her. She and Ben don some old school Snoopy helmets and take off on a plane the size of the average canoe. Lauren B., a flight attendant, convinces us that she is excited to be flying in this plane with Ben. At least she doesn’t have to passive aggressively remind anyone to return their seat back to an upright position on the date.

They enjoy some beautiful views of the California coast, skywrite the shape of a middle finger over the Bachelor Mansion, and then land in the middle of a brown field with a Jacuzzi™ stuck right in the middle. It’s unclear whether this is the same hot tub that Caila and Ben sampled/Kevin Hart marinated his junk in during the last episode. Don’t look at me for answers; Chris Harrison won’t return my texts.

They also “eat” dinner and dance to music by some middle-aged country band that Ben and Lauren pretend to know and care about. Lauren B. gets the rose and we’re all bored. I’m a fan of Lauren B., but we have way juicier cankles to cover.

Up next is the group date, and it’s the tried and true Sports Showdown date. Superstar Badasses Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara are tapped to coach the two teams. It’s a fruitless effort, since what results is a rat’s nest of arms, legs, and blonde highlights tumbling up and down a soccer field.

In a move NO ONE SAW COMING, the losers have to leave after the game and the winners get to share Ben among five girls instead of 10. Dreams really do come true.

During the post-soccer portion of the date, the women who just earlier had been teammates, (fiercely united by their desire to win five-on-one time with Ben) turn against each other to compete for 90 seconds of conversation with Ben. The girls talk shit about Olivia’s fat toes and I’ve literally never been more interested in what’s happening on my TV. Must. See. The. Toes. Oh, also, Amber gets the rose.

The ladies back at HQ eagerly await the last date card for the week. Because of the least subtle foreshadowing ever, we know this is going to Jubilee. As she preps for the date, it’s clear that she is slightly more anxious than the robots they typically cast on this show.

Ben arrives 20 minutes late, and Jubilee serves him some light sass. If her sass were on a menu at a Mexican restaurant, it would have no more than two chili peppers next to it. The other girls act as if Jubes straight up rocked him in the teeth. To add insult to injury, Jubliee then jokingly offers her date to someone else because she is afraid of helicopters. She may as well have punched Ben in the teeth this time; I think the girls would have reacted more mildly, because apparently, this was deeply offensive.

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On their date, Jubilee is awkwardly charming and REAL. The producers must have forgotten to install her pullstring because instead of reciting the same old script to Ben in between sips of champagne, she jokes around and shares her actual Feelings and Thoughts.

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At dinner, Jubliee shares details of her past with Ben. Unlike some former contestants who discuss tragic events in their lives, Jubliee seems authentic and vulnerable during this conversation, rather than thirsty. Ben digs her, and so do we.

The cocktail party starts on a somber note, as Ben tells the women that he just found out that two family friends were killed tragically in an accident. Most of the ladies stir up all the emotional intelligence they can find to comfort him. Olivia, however, decides this is the right time for her to open up emotionally to Ben. About her cankles. This fool actually got choked up telling Ben about how hard it was to be strong all the time. About her cankles. This is probably a giant red flag that a lifelong partnership with Olivia would be more of a dictatorship. Somehow, though, she is not the most hated girl in the mansion at this point.

The women wasted no time turning against Jubliee after the heinous crime she committed earlier. As Jubliee meanders around the house, just tryna eat snackz and mingle, voiceovers from various women take a mean turn. Two girls walk away to “”fix their lipgloss” as Jubilee approaches to hang, and Lauren H. remarks that she just can’t see Jubliee hanging with the soccer moms and setting up playdates for the kids. Listen, I’m not here to accuse people of being racist; that’s a pretty serious thing to call someone and doing so has consequences. However, this whole series felt unnecessarily aggressive toward Jubilee and the comments about her being unlike the other girls and not Ben’s type were tone-deaf at best. Ok, back to #jokes.

Amber, drunk with the power of the group date rose, leads the charge in cornering Jubliee. Jubilee, uninterested in this foolishness, walks away from the Plastics trying to chew her out for making a joke. Ben figures out that something is up (aka a producer alerted him that someone was crying to move the story along) and tries to comfort Jubilee. Amber, who we now all know is a fucking idiot, decides to approach them both to discuss it. Because guys love this stuff. Ben shuts her shit DOWN and Amber retreats with her tail between her legs.

Amber is safe…for now. The same can’t be said for Lace, who escorts herself off the show to do some work on herself before she enters into a lifelong union. Peace be with her. We also bid adieu to Shushanna and Jami. Another week bites the dust.

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Season 20, Episode 3: Best Tweets of the Night

If you’re not on Twitter during the Bach, you’re missing out on some cutting-edge social commentary and a barrel FULL of laffs. We’ve rounded up some of our favorite tweets of the night for your viewing pleasure.

You can follow us on Twitter (and the hilarious ladies below). We live tweet every Monday night. After all, watching “The Bachelor”—much like watching someone fall down the stairs—is funnier when you’re with your friends.

BachBurnBookSchumerBachShitCray TweetKristen BaldwinShushanna

BachInternsAfterTheRose TweetEmmaGrayTweetJenWeiner

Olivia TweetBachFantasy Tweet 2CaptureBachFantasy TweetAmy Kaufman.PNG

 

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Season 20, Episode 3: Points

What a night. Jubilee, in a move never attempted before on this show, expressed her true feelings and acknowledged that not everything in Bachland was incredible, amazing, and perfect, but still formed a connection with Ben. WUT!? Yeah, the other ladies lost their collective shit. kelly gif.gif

In other news, Lace left. By herself. Without being restrained by the authorities. So, we all lost money on that bet.

Check out points below, and come back later this week for our episode 3 recap! #morejokez

  • Amanda (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Amber (55 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing The Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Becca (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Caila (50 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Emily (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Haley (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jami (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Jennifer (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • JoJo (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jubilee (145 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lace (65 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Leaving the show on her own accord (30 points)
  • Lauren B. (90 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Lauren H. (45 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • WILDCARD: First girl called at the rose ceremony (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Leah (35 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Olivia (45 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelor (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Rachel (60 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Shushanna (35 points) STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
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