Here’s what we’ll be scoring during the Men Tell All (in addition to the regular points):

• Entering a guess as to which man will get the final rose (5 points)
• Apologizing to another contestant (5 points)
• Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points; available once per contestant)
• Saying the word “bromance” (5 points)
• Saying the name “Britt” (5 points)
• Saying that he didn’t know Kaitlyn and Nick had been “intimate” (10 points)
• Apologizing to Kaitlyn for his behavior on the show (10 points)
• Speaking negatively about/toward Kaitlyn (10 points)
• Mentioning a new romantic interest in his life (10 points)
• Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
• Asking Kaitlyn why she got rid of him/what went wrong (15 points)
• Admitting that feelings still remain for Kaitlyn (20 points)
• Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison (25 points)
• Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
  • Must be officially announced on the show 

No wildcard points for this episode. Good luck!

Wildcard points: first man to go shirtless won 25 points. Obvi went to Shawn.

• Ben H.: 110 points (stat correction)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
• Nick V.: 170 points (stat correction)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
• Shawn B.: 295 points (stat correction)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Wildcard points: first man to take his shirt off (25 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)
  • Telling the Bachelorette someone in the house “isn’t here for the right reasons” (30 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)

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Highlights from Episode 8:

1. Shawn’s tomato face when Kaitlyn dropped the sex bomb on him. Shawn felt like the belle of the ball when Kaitlyn kicked everyone else off their group date and awarded him with some one-on-one time. He had no idea that he was about to have the wind knocked out of his sails in a big way, courtesy of Nick’s wiener.
2. Shawn referring to Nick as “the other guy.” Grow up. He’s not Voldemort and jealousy ain’t cute.
3. Ben H. being a motherfucking dreamboat. On their one-on-one date, Ben admits that he fears that he isn’t lovable. That is crazy talk, because I’m pretty sure I love him. Also, I wanna get familiar with his bathing suit parts, if you catch my drift.
4. Joe’s silent tantrum after Kaitlyn broke his little cowboy heart. I have to assume that there was more to their relationship than what we saw on camera, because by my estimation they spent a total of 6 1/2 minutes together and he claimed he was IN LOVE with her. Not falling. IN LOVE. We didn’t even get a limo exit interview…
5. The return of Nick’s hairless chest. After Kaitlyn and Nick took a trip to Pound Town, we were treated to some morning after footage of them eating breakfast meats and pawing at each other.

What was your favorite moment from this week’s episode? Do you think Joe is still sulking somewhere in Ireland? What type of murder weapon do you think Shawn brought to Nick’s room? Sound off in the comments!

Welp, this season we’ve got rose ceremonies at the beginning of every episode and Fantasy Suites happening BEFORE hometown dates.

I never realized how much Chris Harrison resembles Plutarch of The Hunger Games, changing the rules in the Hunger Games arena when he knows Katnissaitlyn has outsmarted him.

You take some unauthorized off-camera time without asking? Oh, okay, we’re gonna GIVE YOU unauthorized camera time. Say goodbye to three dudes this week and march your ass into that Fantasy Suite, toots. It’s like when your mom catches you smoking a cigarette and makes you finish the whole pack in front of her.

Chris Harrison is your mom. Chris Harrison is Plutarch Heavensbee. This is Chris Harrison’s world, and we’re just living in it. Don’t you ever forget it.

Wildcard points would’ve gone to the first person who expressed a desire to go home, but alas, none did.

Also, you guys aren’t going to believe this but tornadoes in the Chicagoland area interrupted the Bachelorette AGAIN, albeit briefly. I think for less than five minutes total, but I still might’ve missed something, so please let me know if you think I did.

• Ben H.: 15 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
• Ben Z.: 60 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Chris: 45 points 
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (a flower) (5 points)
• Ian: 30 points
  • Leaving the show on his own accord (30 points)
• Jared: 85 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
• JJ: 25 points 
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Joe: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Joshua: 25 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
• Justin: 0 points 
• Nick V.: 110 points (stat correction)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wildcard points: doing it with the Bachelorette (50 points)
• Shawn B.: 25 points (stat correction)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Tanner: 40 points 
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing (5 points)

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No one received the wildcard points last night; they would’ve gone to the first person who said they needed one-on-one time before the rose ceremony, but there was only one strange, faux-ceremony on a baseball diamond last night so we were screwed. We’ll make next week’s points worth some weight to make up for it.

Onto the points!

• Ben H.: 85 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Ben Z.: 40 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
• Chris: 25 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Editor’s note: This was tricky but there was one shot of her kissing a man in a maroon jacket that matched what Chris was wearing last night.
• Corey: 0 points 
• Ian: 50 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
• Jared: 55 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling in love with you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
• JJ: 45 points 
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
• Joe: 55 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Jonathan: 5 points (stat correction)
  • Mentioning his son (5 points)
• Joshua: 70 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
• Justin: 25 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
• Nick V.: 115 points 
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
• Ryan B.: 0 points
• Shawn B.: 115 points 
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Tanner: 40 points 
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

A lot of you inquired about drafting Nick V. We will score him for those leagues who did indeed draft him early in the season. If your league didn’t draft him (and you’re wishing you did), we decided this was a fair rule: you can draft Nick onto your individual team, but only if you drop two of your players that are still on the show. (Obviously, talk to your league commissioner and decide as a league how you want to proceed.)

Personally, in our league, we’re happy to watch the Nick V. circus without participating, so don’t feel like someone in your league has to draft him.

This week saw the first usage of another new points category this year: riding on a boat (10 points).

Wildcard points went to Tanner, who was overtly negative about his feelings toward Nick V. Jonathan mentioned something about Nick V. being a “dark cloud” but immediately after that, Tanner took the shit-talk to the next level, and that’s the kind of commitment we were looking for.

Onto the points!

• Ben H.: 20 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
• Ben Z.: 25 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
• Chris: 65 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Wearing a costume/clothing native to another country (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
• Clint: 0 points
• Corey: 30 points (stat correction)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
• Ian: 20 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
• Jared: 85 points
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• JJ: 50 points 
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
• Joe: 20 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
• Jonathan: 25 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
• Joshua: 20 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
• Justin: 55 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
• Nick V.: 10 points (stat correction)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Ryan B.: 25 points
  • Being selected go to on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
• Shawn B.: 25 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
• Tanner: 45 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Singing (5 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Wildcard points: first to say something overtly negative about JJ (20 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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Some important housekeeping, before we get to points:

• In Episode 1, I mistakenly awarded 5 points for “mentioning his kid” to Ryan B., who has yet to father any offspring (to the best of our/his knowledge). Those 5 points should’ve gone to Justin. Please update in your spreadsheet accordingly. Mea culpa.

The wildcard points for last night’s episode went to JJ, who Amy Schumer delightfully raked over the coals. (P.S. we announce the upcoming wildcard points category every Sunday/Monday on Twitter.)

• Ben H.: 15 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
• Ben Z.: 65 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (30 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Chris: 10 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
• Clint: 55 points (stat correction) 
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Corey: 15 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
• Cory: 0 points
• Daniel: 15 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
• Ian: 20 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Jared: 55 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Needing medical attention (20 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette gift: a note (5 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• JJ: 110 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Mentioning a previous wife (10 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Wildcard points: first person to get made fun of by Amy Schumer (25 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (30 points)
  • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
• Joe: 20 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Jonathan: 10 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
• Joshua: 10 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
• Justin: 20 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
• Kupah: 15 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
• Ryan B.: 0 points
• Shawn B.: 0 points
• Tanner: 15 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
• Tony: 10 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)

Question of the week: What in tarnation is going on with Britt and Brady? Is it a calculated move to prolong her time in the spotlight? Would she have “gone steady” with WHOEVER knocked on her hotel room door? Give us your take in the comments.

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From the looks of the season preview, I stand by what we wrote on Twitter last night:

Wildcard points were awarded to Tony and Brady, respectively. You’ll see them below, incorporated within the rest of the points. How are your teams doing so far?

• Ben H.: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Ben Z.: 35 points
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Bradley: 0 points
• Brady: 50 points
  • Wildcard points: first one to express a preference for one of the Bachelorettes (20 points)
  • Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)
• Chris: 35 points
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Clint: 35 points (stat correction)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: drawing of Chris Harrison (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Corey: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Cory: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Daniel: 30 points
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• David: 5 points
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
• Ian: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Jared: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• JJ: 40 points
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: a hockey puck (5 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Joe: 30 points (stat correction)
  • Gives the Bachelorette a gift: moonshine (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Jonathan: 35 points 
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Josh: 35 points
  • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
• Joshua: 35 points
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: steel rose (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Justin: 35 points (stat correction)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: balloons (5 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Kupah: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Ryan B.: 25 points (stat correction)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Ryan M.: 20 points
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
• Shawn B.: 50 points
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift: note from nephew (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points)
• Shawn E.: 5 points
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
• Tanner: 35 points (stat correction)
  • Gives the Bachelorette a gift: tissues (5 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Tony: 50 points
  • Wildcard points: first one to express discontent that his Bachelorette was not chosen (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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Here’s our insider guide to who we think you should draft for your Bachelorette fantasy league teams, based strictly on their online bios. Bear with us. This year’s crop of contestants is like a kindergarten classroom where everyone shares three names, so the entire roster is First Name Last Initial.

Ben H. | age: 26 |software salesman | Denver, CO

Choice line from his bio: On marriage: “It is a total sacrifice.” He sounds ready for this.

We need to hear more about: What he’s got planned for that “quiet place in the woods,” because it sounds like the ideal location for a murder. If a Bachelorette gets murdered in the woods, and Chris Harrison isn’t there to remind them to say their goodbyes, did it even happen?

Draftability: 8/10

Ben Z. | age:26 | Fitness Coach | San Jose, CA

Choice line from his bio: He’d have lunch with his mom because he’d “take any extra second he can get with her.” It sounds like there is a sad story behind that answer. I’m sure he won’t choose to tell it at an opportune moment for maximum Emotional Connection to Bae.

We need to hear more about: why he openly refers to himself as “calculated.” That’s not a good thing, brah.

Draftability: 7/10

Bradley | age: 25 | International Auto Shipper | Atlanta, GA

Choice line from his bio: Bradley wants to be Tom Brady so he can play in an NFL game and “then go home to Gisele.” Like, fine, samesies, but maybe don’t tell that to your potential future girlfriend. Suspended 4 dates for putting his foot in his mouth.

We need to hear more about: Just how serious his sarcasm skillz are. He’s talking big game, but we’ll be the judges here.

Draftability: 8/10

Brady | age: 33 | Singer-Songwriter | Nashville, TN

Choice line from his bio: He’s jealous AF of pre-divorce Gwyneth Paltrow. Listen to the dude wax poetic about Chris Martin, the person he admires most in the world for his “creativity, humility, charisma, and wit.”

We need to hear more about: why he looks like Jimmy Fallon’s Nickelback-loving little brother.

Draftability: 2/10

Chris | age: 28 | Dentist | Nashville, TN

Choice line from his bio: His biggest date fear is that the girl “tries to eat his food.” Brady and I share this fear. I get it, man. L’eggo my E’ggo.

We need to hear more about: Obviously how he ended up on national TV in his underwear. Was it accidental? Did he lose a bet? Was he participating in some sort of televised amateur stripping competition? I really hope it’s that last one.

Draftability: 4/10. Idk, he seems kind of vanilla.

Clint | age: 27 | Architectural Engineer | Chicago, IL

Choice line from his bio: For a day, he’d want to be “Chuck Norris, for obvious reasons.” Um, 2007 called. It wants its meme back. (Also, while you have 2007 on the phone, please tell it to prevent Britney from staging her comeback at the VMAs.)

We need to hear more about: his word vomit. He’s afraid of saying too much on a date. Once you pop, the fun don’t stop.

Draftability: 3/10

Corey | age: 30 | Investment Banker | New York City, NY

Choice line from his bio: The investment banker admires “everyone who truly does what they love everyday.” Dang, that’s a thinly veiled cry for help. Corey, you didn’t have to go on the Bachelorette just to get out of investment banking.

We need to hear more about: his superpower. Again, it’s revealing. Corey wants “the ability to do everything I wanted without needing sleep or losing my health and fitness.” Corey. Babe. You don’t have to work 110 hours a week anymore. You made it to the Bachelorette ranch. Go have a margarita with Chris Harrison.

Draftability: 4/10

Cory | age: 35 | Residential Developer | Pearland, TX

Choice line from his bio: Cory’s afraid of finding out his date “is really a dude.” Really? that’s the WORST thing that could happen to you?

We need to hear more about: Why he would waste the opportunity to be anyone else in the world, on being someone he already was. Cory would choose to be “his younger self” for a day. Cool.

Draftability: 5/10

Daniel | age: 28 | Fashion Designer | Nashville, TN

Choice line from his bio: The best present he’s ever received is “support and love.” That’s nice. And definitely a lie.

We need to hear more about: This off-brand Shia LaBeouf’s career as a fashion designer. Does he get inspo from his doppleganger? TBD.

Draftability: 4/10

David | age: 26 | Real Estate Agent | Orlando, FL

Choice line from his bio: Eh. Slim pickins. He may be that rarest of Bachelor contestants—a normal civilian. Which means he’ll be packing his bag in about two weeks.

We need to hear more about: his crazy exes. I hope his “biggest fear: bumping into an ex who makes a scene” is juicy foreshadowing.

Draftability: 5/10

Ian | age: 28 | Executive Recruiter | Los Angeles, CA

Choice line from his bio: Ian’s biggest date fear is a girl who “can’t hold a conversation.” Luckily, ABC gives everyone on this show a script that just repeats the words “journey, incredible, scared, and rest of my life” in varying combinations. It’s like a maddening verbal factorial.

We need to hear more about: the “romantic” clock he made. I’m no diva, but I don’t know how I feel about getting a clock, handmade or not, for Valentine’s Day. Actually, I do know. I don’t want it. Chocolates, por favor.

Draftability: 7/10

Jared | age: 26 | Restaurant Manager | Warwick, RI

Choice line from his bio: He “doesn’t really have any” date fears. I respect that.

We need to hear more about: Whether he is going to turn into a werewolf at the next full moon. Idk, he just has that face.

Draftability: As a human: 6/10, as a werewolf: 6/10

JJ | age: 32 | Former Investment Banker | Denver, CO

Choice line from his bio: See how much happier he is now that he’s a former investment banker? JJ is future-Corey. Chilling out in Denver, toking every day, prank calling his former coworkers on Wall Street.

We need to hear more about: His apparent gambling addiction?

Draftability: 8/10

Joe | age: 28 | Insurance Agent | Columbia, KY

Choice line from his bio: He’d have lunch with his “grandmother who just passed away this last December. Just because I miss her.” That’s some sweet shit right there. I just got a cavity.

We need to hear more about: his five-year plan. “I’m a man that takes life one day at a time” is the statement of someone who has no idea what he’s doing at 6 p.m., let alone next week or next year.

Draftability: 7/10.

Jonathan | age: 33 | Automotive Spokesman | Detroit, Michigan

Choice line from his bio: None. I’m bored.

We need to hear more about: his actual job. Being an “automotive spokesman” in Detroit is like saying you’re on the board of tourism for Pyongyang, North Korea. Pics or it didn’t happen.

Draftability: 5/10

Josh | age: 27 | Law Student/Exotic Dancer | Chicago, Illinois

Choice line from his bio: If he could have lunch with anyone in the entire world, he picks HIMSELF twenty years from now. Good lawd. There’s enjoying your own company and then there’s Josh, self-appointed Most Interesting Man in the Room.

We need to hear more about: Sorry for burying the lede. EXOTIC. DANCER. Hell fucking yeah, ABC, now we’re cooking with gas.

Draftability: 3/10

Joshua | age: 31 | Industrial Welder | Kuna, ID

Choice line from his bio: His biggest date fear? “My mom walking in holding a kleenex to my nose and ordering me to blow.” That’s either a) something that happened to him once in junior high or b) an actual fear because he lives with his mom.

We need to hear more about: his job. It sounds lumbersexual as hell. (Pssst, hey boi, I’ve got something for you to weld…)

Draftability: 9/10

Justin | age: 28 | Fitness Trainer | Naperville, IL

Choice line from his bio:If our boy Justin here could be someone else for a day (reminder: the parameters are ANYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE PHYSICAL UNIVERSE), he chooses: “Someone from a less privileged area or country. It would be an eye-opening/humbling experience.” To Justin, anyone outside the bubble of Naperville, Illinois is less privileged. Also, you can have that experience literally any day of any week. It’s called volunteering.

We need to hear more about: His business. He wants to own a training company that uses trainers to train other…trainers? I don’t know.

Draftability: 5/10

Kupah | age: 32 | Entrepreneur | Boston, MA

Choice line from his bio: When asked what marriage means to him, Kupah rattled off a string of incoherent words he’s read on Dove chocolate wrappers over the years. “FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER. Team, companion, friend. Mates, support, trust, balanced.” I think this answer was translated from English to Japanese, then back to English again.

We need to hear more about: the origin of that name. I hope his friends and family call him Supah Dupah Wicked Pissah Kupah in a raging Boston accent.

Draftability: 3/10

Ryan B. | age: 32 | Realtor| Wellington, FL

Choice line from his bio: He “meant to send a pic to [his] girlfriend and accidentally tweeted it.” DICK PIC FTW.

We need to hear more about: Definitely NOT the time he rode his bike from Florida to California to rescue a dog. That’s just poor logistical planning, and you know even the rescue dog was like, “Ugh, really? Florida?”

Draftability: 6/10

Ryan M. | age: 28 | Junkyard Specialist | Kansas City, MO

Choice line from his bio: He says being married is about “bringing new life into this world.” Okay, Jim Bob Duggar, let’s pump the brakes.

We need to hear more about: his occupation as a junkyard specialist. I feel like that’s a euphemism for a sex addict. Besides, America already has a favorite junkyard dog.

Draftability: 3/10

Shawn B. | age: 28 | Personal Trainer | Windsor Locks, CT

Choice line from his bio: His biggest date fear is “not being interested and not being able to get out of the date.” Twenty bucks this dude leaves on his own accord.

We need to hear more about: the fact that there are two men named Shawn on this show.

Draftability: 9/10

Shawn E. | age: 31 | Amateur. Sex. Coach. | Ontario, Canada

Choice line from his bio: His “ultimate date” sounds absolutely exhausting. Skydiving, followed by swimming in the ocean, followed by a hot tub, followed by doing it ‘til dawn.

We need to hear more about: his tenure as an amateur sex coach. Because of course the guy with the choker necklace is an amateur sex coach.

Draftability: 1/10 (but he could be the token weirdo that the Bachelorette is contractually obligated to keep way belong his expiration date)

Tanner | age: 28 | Auto Finance Manager | Kansas City, MO

Choice line from his bio: His biggest fear is his “date not liking [him] as much as [he] likes her” which is sweet, vulnerable, and just a pinch of Stage 5 Clinger.

We need to hear more about: his boozehound date. There’s a story there, and I’m all ears.

Draftability: 8/10

Tony | age: 35 | Healer | St. Louis, MO

Choice line from his bio: He’s so coy about his job as a professional healer. You know, just slavin’ away at that 9 to 5, healing necks and cashing checks.

We need to hear more about: his delightful zig-zag part.

Draftability: 2/10

Chris Harrison | age: exact birth date unknown | TV therapist | in a rose garden, California

We need to hear more about: Chris Harrison has written a romance novel and it is being published on May 19. He is a Renaissance man. He is a rose among thorns.

Draftability: 10/10