Tag Archives: ABC

Season 12, Episode 6: Points

Last night’s episode was a little on the nose (en la nariz), no? Between the love triangle tango and the woman belting out “Evita” on a balcony while Derek bawled in the limo on his way to the airport…the producers weren’t being subtle. That’s okay. We don’t watch “The Bachelorette” for subtlety. We watch for the elaborate picnic spreads, the chopper rides to remote lagoons, the fumbled metaphors comparing rappelling down a building to falling in love. And dammit, the Bach delivers time and time again.

Onto the points.

Robby snagged the wildcard points last name, 15 points for speaking a full sentence in Spanish (when he read the date card that said “Besame, besame, muchacho”).

  • Alex: 50 points 
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chase: 95 points 
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on the two-on-one date (40 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Derek: 90 points 
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • James Taylor: 70 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jordan: 70 points 
    • Being selected for a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Luke: 60 points (stat correction)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
  • Robby: 65 points (stat correction)
    • Wildcard points (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wells: 65 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)

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Season 12, Episode 4: Points

Never have I ever been this upset about a “To Be Continued…” at the end of a “Bachelorette” episode. WHAT DOES CHAD DO OUTSIDE THE HOTEL?! We have to wait two weeks to find out. This season has taken a delicious detour into horror movie territory and I’m HERE FOR IT.

Twenty-five wildcard points last night went to Evan, who was the first man to bleed. Although I’m making this face to the editors

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for using some smoke and mirrors to make it seem like Chad was responsible for said bleeding. Instead, the cause was Intense Synchronized Swimming™.

Onto the points! Some men scored double rose points this week, which we allowed — however, we did not count any other category twice, per our usual rule of once per episode (so Robby and Jordan only got kissing points once).

ALSO WE NEED YOUR EYEBALLS: there was a shot of some of the men with their tootsies in the hot tub in the first five minutes of the episode during the pool party. I don’t have DVR — and my co-founder was at the Beyonce concert so we didn’t catch it! If you know exactly who was in the hot tub at that moment, comment and we’ll update the points accordingly. Thanks!

  • Alex: 120 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Ali: 5 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Chad: 75 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
    • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
    • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Chase: 25 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Christian: 5 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Daniel: 50 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Derek: 75 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Evan: 70 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points: first man to bleed (25 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Grant: 45 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • James F.: 50 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • James Taylor: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Needing medical attention (20 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Jordan: 130 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette (20 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Luke: 130 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her to the camera” (20 points)
  • Nick B: 5 points STAT CORRECTION FOR HOT TUB
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Robby: 95 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips for Episode 3 (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
    • Saying “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
    • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Vinny: 60 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)
    • Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
  • Wells: 45 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week for Episode 3 (25 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Riding on a boat (10 points)

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Season 12, Episode 3: Points

Well, last night’s episode gave us some fresh ideas for points categories in future seasons including throwing a punch (inanimate object): 10 points and tattling to Dad, AKA Chris Harrison: 20 points. Tonight’s episode looks like it might inspire categories such as throwing a punch (animate object): 35 points and being punched: 25 points. What a treat this season has already been!  #DontTryThisAtHome

Overall, this was a fairly low-scoring episode, because there was no rose ceremony last night — we’ll be sure to give the dudes their points for any and all rose ceremonies that occur in Tuesday night’s episode.

The wildcard points category last night was 15 smackers to any man who read a date card aloud to the group (we decided to shake it up and award it to each dude who read a card last night in the episode, versus our usual “first” man to do any given action). We’re trying to keep you on your toes. Look alive out there.

We’ll announce the wildcard points category for tonight’s episode on Twitter. Follow us there to see what we’ve cooked up…

  • Alex: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Ali: 25 points
    • Wildcard points: reading a date card aloud to the group (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Chad: 15 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Chase: 90 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points (15 points)
    • Mentioning his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Christian: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Daniel: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Derek: 0 points
  • Evan: 65 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
  • Grant: 25 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Discussing his virginity (15 points)
  • James F.: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • James Taylor: 90 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Wildcard points: reading a date card aloud to the group (15 points)
    • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Singing or playing an instrument (the guitar) (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jordan: 20 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Luke: 0 points
  • Nick B: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Robby: 0 points
  • Vinny: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Wells: 10 points
    • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)

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Season 12, Episode 2: Recap

And just like that, Week Two is in the books. The more I watch this show, the more I feel that episodes two and three are the best of the season. The real wackos are just starting to hoist their freak flags up the flagpole, the frontrunners are posturing for the top spot, and the group dates are still utterly whack competitions where the first place prize is an extra three to five minutes of time with JoJo, along with a side order of humiliation.

The first date consists of the group competing to be crowned Best Firefighter. Normally, I’ll wait until a sixth date or so before I make a guy pass the firefighter physical ability test, but “The Bachelorette” is all about a speedy courtship, even compared to the Duggars. The men are put through a series of grueling physical challenges that they perform as if their actual lives depended on it, not just a brief one-on-one conversation with JoJo. Wells (or three kindergartners sitting on each other’s shoulders?) nearly passes out from heat stroke, earning the season’s first medical attention points.  

As soon as Wells’ blood oxygen level stabilizes, Chief Tracey plucks him to compete against an ex-Army officer and an actual firefighter in the very drills that had incapacitated him moments earlier. He does not win. Grant wins a conversation with JoJo and Luke sulks, kicks his steel-toe cowboy boots into various door frames, and complains in a monotone for the rest of the night. JoJo gives Wells the group date rose to make up for nearly killing him. Wells is self-deprecating, charming, and has All-4-One on a personal retainer. He’s too good for this show.

Next up, Derek and his teeth get the one-on-one date. He and JoJo make a series of decisions about where to go and what to do (which is pretty par for the course in the real world of dating). They conflate their ability to agree on a date activity with a sign that they’re connected on a deep and spiritual level. I couldn’t stop wondering about the producers who had to coordinate the date Derek and JoJo didn’t pick. What a waste of a workday. Derek gets the rose.

The best part of this one-on-one date is when we’re not on it. Back at Bro HQ, Daniel and Chad are sowing the seeds of a beautiful bromance wearing matching black tanktops and abusing literary devices. Chad shares some wisdom with the viewers at home about how women should avoid nice guys (noted — thanks, Chad), and then attempts to diss the other guys with a bizarre, and ultimately unsuccessful, metaphor about the shitty protein shake they would make if you were to blend them. While this powwow is taking place, the rest of the guys are sitting around the pool earnestly rehearsing a song they wrote for JoJo. Somehow, I hate Chaniel less in this segment.

The last date of the episode brings us to ESPN’s LA studio and the men promptly jizz their pants because #SPORTZ. They perform touchdown dances because two TV hosts tell them that’s how they will prove they love JoJo, which makes total sense. The hosts rank the guys and give Chad second place, despite his obvious disinterest in the charade and the fact that he called JoJo “naggy.” Chad really starts to chap Alex’s ass, and Alex begins his crusade to take Chad down. Remember, it’s not the size of the Tiny Alex in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the Tiny Alex. While we’re on the topic, Alex is actually more naggy than JoJo (who literally wasn’t at all) though Chad doesn’t seem to notice.

Underdog James Taylor ends up at the top of the power rankings, disappointing the rest of the group who all worship at the church of ESPN and likely have protein shake on tap in their bachelor pads. He’s seen fire, and he’s seen rain, but he has not seen this show before because guys that act like James Taylor go home (to Carolina in their minds) before episode five. He later reads JoJo some piece of prose that sounds like wedding vows, despite knowing her as well as I got to know the Uber driver who took me to the airport yesterday. (Shout out to Roger! Hope your sister’s recovering from that knee operation.)

Chad is hardly likeable, but he does astutely remind the rest of these guys, who are literally proclaiming their love for JoJo, that they actually don’t know anything about her yet. They do know she’s smokin’ hot though, which I guess is enough.

Unfortunately for Chad, the high point of his week was when he tied that luggage to his waist and did some pull-ups. Alex forms a posse to harass Chad after they learn that he *gasp* had a conversation with JoJo on her way into the party. They start singing, “When you’re a bro, you’re a bro all the way, from your first protein shake, to your last dying day.”

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Chad can’t be bothered. He’s roaming around the house shoving fistfuls of deli meat into his mouth. He can’t be worried about haterz when there’s that much meat in the house. Like a newborn baby, Chad has to eat at very specific intervals or he gets fussy.

In the end we say goodbye to Brandon, James S., and Will. Onto bigger and bro-ier guys this week.

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Season 12, Episode 1: Points

Welcome to Season 12 of “The Bachelorette” and the sixth season of BachFantasy! This season premiere was major. We had Damn Daniel drunk and wandering around in undies, diving into a pool even though there was clearly no lifeguard on duty. We had a gorgeous specimen named Ali who played the piano and caused millions of panties to spontaneously evaporate off their owners’ bodies around the country. We had a Bachelor superfan and Ken doll lookalike that legitimately made me LOL every time he appeared on screen; he was so nervous to meet all his heroes in the flesh. I thought for sure he was going to ask Chris Harrison to sign his chest. We were treated to a private serenade from the musical stylings of All4One, and just like that I was 13 years old again, swaying in my middle school gym with a spiral-shaped rhinestone tattoo glued on my arm and butterfly clips in my hair.

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We also had the earliest reveal of a season villain in Bachelorette history. Can we talk about those coming attractions? So, Chad is essentially two fists and a beard. I’ve gone ahead and renamed the season.

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Onto the points! Take a gander at our points categories again, even if you’ve played with us before, as there have been some additions this year and a few points changes. Have your commissioner add your contestants’ points to your spreadsheet to see how your team is stacking up.

Thirty wildcard points went to Christian, who was the first man to arrive in anything other than a limo (he showed up on a motorcycle). We announce our Wildcard Points category on Twitter every Monday before the show starts. Follow us there for live tweets, plenty o’ gifs, and wildcard points.

Two caveats to this week’s points totals:

  • Some dude presented JoJo with a piece of toast during his limo introduction, but he did not hand it to her. Thus, it was not a gift, merely a prop in his terrible pun.
  • In order for it to count as an interruption, a contestant has to be interrupting someone else’s one-on-one time with JoJo.

Without further ado…

  • Alex: 30 points
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Ali: 30 points
    • Playing an instrument (the piano) (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Brandon: 30 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chad: 25 points
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Chase: 25 points
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Christian: 60 points
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Wildcard points: first man to arrive in anything other than a limo (30 points)
    • Getting a rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Coley: 0 points
  • Daniel: 40 points
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Derek: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Evan: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Grant: 30 points
    • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jake: 0 points
  • James F.: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James S.: 25 points
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • James Taylor: 30 points
    • Playing an instrument (the guitar) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Jonathan: 35 points
    • Wearing a costume native to another country (5 points)
    • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)
  • Jordan: 60 points
    • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points)
  • Luke: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (cowboy boots) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Nick B: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Nick S.: 20 points
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
  • Peter: 5 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (a heart pillow) (5 points)
  • Robby: 30 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (wine) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Sal: 5 points
    • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (blue balls) (5 points)
  • Vinny: 45 points
    • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
    • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wells: 50 points
    • Singing (5 points)
    • Dancing (5 points)
    • Attending a concert (10 points)
    • Giving a gift (the musical group All4One) (5 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Will: 35 points
    • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Got a wildcard points category you’d like to see us feature this season? Leave your suggestions below in the comment.

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Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

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Season 20: Episode 10 Women Tell All

Ah, the Women Tell All, we’ve missed you. So many almost-tears, so many non-apologies. Side note: how do you get to be in the studio audience? We want in. Chris Harrison, call us. Also, that Blooper Reel is the stuff dreams are made of. Why don’t they include more of those moments on the show itself? JoJo was gold in that blooper reel. If she doesn’t win this season, I hope she’s the next Bachelorette. (Don’t even come at me with these Caila rumors. I’m not really digging it.)

Also! We didn’t award points when they rolled clips from the past season, except for the Blooper Reel.

Lastly, for the finale next Monday, tweet us a photo of your viewing party and hashtag it #BachFantasyViewingParty. We’ll be retweeting a bunch of the photos next Monday.

  • Amanda: 10 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
    • Mentioning her kids (5 points)
  • Amber: 20 points
    • Calling another contestant a liar (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Becca: 20 points
    • Calling another contestant a liar (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Caila: 65 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Asking Ben why he got rid of her (15 points)
    • Admitting feelings still remain for Ben (20 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Emily: 20 points
    • Calling another contestant a liar (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Haley: 20 points
    • Calling another contestant a liar (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Izzy: 0 points
  • Jackie: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Jami: 15 points
    • Calling another contestant a liar (15 points)
  • Jennifer: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • JoJo: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Jubilee: 85 points
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
    • Apologizing to another contestant (5 points)
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
    • Crying on camera (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Lace: 65 points
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Mentioning a new romantic interest in her life (10 points)
    • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise (25 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Lauren B.: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Lauren H.: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Lauren LB: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Leah: 20 points
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Mandi: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Olivia: 50 points STAT CORRECTION
    • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
    • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
    • Apologizing to another contestant (5 points)
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Rachel: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Samantha: 5 points
    • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points)
  • Shushanna: 0 points
  • Tiara: 0 points
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Season 20 (Optional) Women Tell All Points Categories

My friends, I apologize for this terribly late post. Both of us BachFantasy co-founders moved this week, and as BachFantasy is still just a hobby and not our 9-5s (WE WISH), we had to abandon it a little bit. We sincerely apologize and appreciate your patience.

These points are optional so if your league does not want to award any points for tonight’s episode, that’s okay. Also, there will be no wildcard points tonight.

 

We’ve decided to only award points to the contestants belonging to each team AFTER the mid-season draft. Some of you pointed out that it seems like we’re punishing people who drafted well (i.e., have JoJo and Lauren B. remaining on their teams and thus don’t have an opportunity to score as many points in the Women Tell All). We’re actually hoping that this gives teams who aren’t doing as well a chance to catch up and make the finale even more exciting in your leagues.

Here’s what we’ll be scoring during the Women Tell All (in addition to all the regular points):

  • Entering a guess as to who will win the show (5 points)
  • Apologizing to another contestant (5 points)
  • Apologizing directly to Ben (5 points)
  • Being featured on the Blooper Reel (5 points; available once per contestant)
  • Mentioning a new romantic interest in her life (10 points)
  • Asking Ben why he got rid of her (15 points)
  • Being accused of lying by another contestant (15 points)
  • Calling another contestant a liar or saying that she’s lying (15 points)
  • Admitting that feelings still remain for Ben (20 points)
  • Getting chosen for a one-on-one interview with Chris Harrison (25 points)
  • Getting chosen to go on Bachelor in Paradise/Bachelor Pad (25 points)
    • Must be officially announced on the show 

Good luck!

 

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Season 20, Episode 9: Points

Loved that opening shot of Ben crawling up ancient ruins in flip-flops and cargo pants. (I saw Ben Higgins hiking in cargo shorts and flip-flops so I went out and bought cargo shorts and flip-flops.)

This episode was ja-maican me crazy for many reasons, not the least being that I just moved to Higgins’ town (chill, it’s Denver—not Warsaw, Indiana), and the show comes on at 9 p.m. here. What the what! Bach fans in Mountain Time Zone, how do you do it?!

Also, I like believe in Ben and Lauren. He is such a smitten kitten with her. I’ve never seen a Bachelor more infatuated with a contestant. It’s kinda refreshing.

Okay, let’s get into points.

Caila: 200 points STAT CORRECTION

  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I’m in love with him” to Ben (20 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Ben (30 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Having a body part blurred out (30 points)

JoJo: 170 points

  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I’m in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelor (30 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Lauren B.: 180 points

  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I’m in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation (75 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to Ben (30 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
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Season 20 Episode 8: Points

This week was about 100 minutes of boring, 5 minutes of #CHAD and 5 seconds of JoJo’s mom going vertical with a bottle of champs. Thank you for that gift, Mrs. JoJo.

I know we’ll get these questions so:

  • Unfortunately our rules state that a contestant gets points if she has a secret boyfriend – no points for having an ex come back into the picture (we’ll update this for next season). So close, Chad.
  • Amanda and Ben sat on a blanket on the beach, but did not have any food – no picnic points
  • A lot of girls tonight told the camera they were in love with Ben – this kind of falls in between our two categories. Judge rules that you only get 30 points if you actually say “I love you” to Ben directly.

Amanda: 120 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I love him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Mentioning her kid (5 points)
  • Mentioning a previous fiance or husband (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)

Caila: 135 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I love him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

JoJo: 130 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

Lauren B.: 130 points

  • Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for him” or “I love him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
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Season 20, Episode 7: Recap

This week had us heading to the bustling metropolis of Warsaw, Indiana (population: 14,042).

I never understand why some seasons of “The Bachelor” have seemingly unlimited budgets (grand tours of Europe, expensive dates spent dangling from the sides of tall structures) and other seasons seem to be funded directly out of my own checking account. We’ve had too many lackluster dates this season in terribly boring places. In this episode, one date is LITERALLY standing in a field near a barn and flying a kite, then rowing a rickety old pile of firewood around a pond for a couple of laps. If I paid money for this movie, I’d ask for a refund.

Isn’t the whole non-ironic point of “The Bachelor” to be escapist? It’s hard to indulge in the fantasy of finding love in a six-week whirlwind romance when the dates are the kind that I went on in college, where the single goal was: “How can I spend the LEAST amount of money possible and still have a marginally enjoyable time?” Just kidding, I didn’t go on any dates in college.

We’re treated to a montage of Ben driving around his all-American hometown in a vintage red pick-up truck. This is the stuff Ted Cruz’s wet dreams are made of. They act like Ben still lives in Warsaw even though he took the first train outta that one-stoplight town the moment he turned 18.

Remember, the Bachelor always needs a shtick. Chris Soules: Farmer Joe. Juan Pablo: Latin American sex god with the interior of a philandering, middle-aged real estate developer. Ben: 1950s-esque All-American Quarterback from Small Town USA. Basically, Ben grew up tall, and he grew up right, with them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights.

While the ladies wait on a nearby dock, Ben is shown cruising across the lake at a sensible speed in a giant pontoon, like a geriatric James Bond. Caila, who has moved 17 times but apparently never near a lake, attempts to stop the boat with her biceps and is nearly knocked off the dock in the process. We were thisclose to medical attention points.

Lauren B. gets the first frugal date, which consists of Ben driving her ass around town in a pick-up and waving at the people he could not wait to move far, far away from. While riding, he points out his high school and Lauren B. asks him what position he played on the football team. He could NOT contain his smile when he answered, “Quarterback” and I donno, maybe at that moment, I bought into this Small Town USA fantasy too.

Lauren and Ben shoot hoops and play recess games with local chickadees. After they kiss, one kid says to the camera, “Lauren and Ben did the smushy smushy.”

Do-not-think-it-means

Ronny, the Half-Court King of Warsaw came down from his castle to dunk a half-court shot and the coach LOST HIS MIND. Then Ben, former local quarterback, calls in some favors and the Indiana Pacers come through the door—several men with either the first name or the surname George. Lauren says she can really appreciate the Pacers because she used to play basketball.

Jennifer-Lawrence-ok-thumbs-up.gif

Ben and JoJo go to Wrigley Field on the next one-on-one. As a Chicagoan, I’m annoyed that this corn-fed Hoosier boy is claiming WRIGLEY FLIPPIN’ FIELD as part of his “Special Places in his Hometown” Grand Tour. Wrigley is 128 miles from Warsaw.

JoJo is chattering away on the pitcher’s mound. Ben steps up to the plate and is like, “Seriously, just shut up for a second, lady” and he tries to block her from his line of vision. He says this has been a dream of his for 26 years and he wants to pretend she’s not here.

JoJo has potential as the next bachelorette, non? She has a good amount of personality and sass (I think).

Everyone’s pissed on the group date. Caila, Amanda, and Becca accompany Ben to a random field, where the frugal date is: flying a kite. I’d be like, “Seriously, fuck this, I’ll be in the limo scrolling through Instagram if you need me.”

Caila expresses a fear about not having Deep Roots because her family has moved 17 (!!!) times throughout her life. She makes a weird metaphor about being a moss who wants to find a tree to stick to? She’s just a moss-girl, standing in front of a tree-man, asking him to let her grow on him.

Becca isn’t really digging the show anymore. She liked it better when Farmer Chris was basically begging her to love him. She asks Ben not to blindside her. Spoiler alert: Ben blindsides her.

The group date rose goes to Amanda so she is rewarded with extra one-on-one time. She can barely conceal her disappointment when the evening’s date is revealed to be…SERVING MCDONALD’S IN A DRIVE-THRU. It’s such a thinly veiled promotion for McDonald’s new all-day breakfast menu. Here’s your future in Warsaw, Amanda: being the prettiest girl at the drive-thru window. I feel like The Bachelor really sold its soul down the river for this product placement.  

Amanda and Ben then stroll through a carnival, which has since been ruined for me because I read an article that stated the Bach producers set the carnival up solely for the show. They apparently charged these townies $25 a pop to get in and ogle at the mere presence of two people who have lived outside of Warsaw, Indiana.

The last one-on-one date goes to Emily, and their cheap-ass date is literally just meeting Ben’s parents, which is next door to where the girls are staying. Because yeah, the girl you want to bring home to meet Ma and Pa is the 23-year-old aspiring NFL cheerleader/identical twin from Las Vegas. Ill-advised, Benjamin. Mrs. Higgins actually wept at the prospect of Emily becoming her daughter-in-law.

When Ben lets Emily go, all the girls burst into tears on the couch, hugging her and crying together. Clearly she was a house favorite. She certainly seems like the funnest girl on your dorm floor. Probably not ready to enter a legally binding lifelong contract, though. 

In the end, we say goodbye to Becca too. Better luck next season, Becs.

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