Just can’t believe Rachel let Peter (sweet, mature, crying-his-eyes-out-on-his-sweater, adorably gap-toothed Peter!) go because he wasn’t ready to propose after six weeks of nonexclusive dating. He was READY to start a life with her! He just wasn’t ready to propose yet. So instead, she bid adieu to this…

and signed on for a life sentence with a Certified Monster-in-Law and a marriage to a man who has appeared on another reality dating show. Bryan was her second-choice! It was so obvious to the at-home viewer and the entire Internet. But our girl wanted a ring, and she wanted it bad.

Rachel did some impressive back-pedaling during the live finale, trying to explain that there were some other issues with Peter that led to their break-up (What—his six pack was too firm? She frequently got lost in his eyes? He was just TOO understanding?). Frankly, we’re not buying what she’s selling. She was justifying her choice of spouse, and we all saw through it. Peter telling her to enjoy her mediocre life (and then later apologizing for that like the goddamn Wisconsin gentleman he is!) was a great mic drop moment. Then, Rach retorted that she’s living her best life, with a haughty little hair flip and a big dose of sass. Methinks the lady doth protest too much…

Anyway. Mazel to the newly betrothed, or whatever.

At least Eric’s revenge beard was on POINT during the live portion of the finale. Gotta cling to small victories in moments like these, ya know?

Here’s what we got for the final points. What’d you think of this season’s ending? Let us know in the comments.

• Bryan: 410 points
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
  • Proposing or being proposed to (85 points)
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelorette (50 points)
• Eric: 90 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelorette (50 points)
• Peter: 265 points 
  • Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelorette (50 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)

We also lost a TON of good men this week (Anthony, Josiah, Kenny, Will, and Alex) — if your team is hurting, never fear. We’ve got the Mid-Season Draft coming up this week. Stay tuned for another post on that later this week.

Also: Bryan won the wildcard points for being the first person to predict that Lee was going to go home on the two-on-one date.

• Adam: 145 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
• Alex: 75 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
• Anthony: 0 points
• Bryan: 90 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Wildcard: first guy (other than Kenny) to predict that Lee is going home on the two-on-one (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Dean: 100 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
• Eric: 125 points STAT CORRECTION 
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Getting the rose on his one-on-one date (25 points)
• Josiah: 0 points
• Kenny: 180 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
• Lee: 20 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
• Matt: 95 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Peter: 115 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
• Will: 45 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)

Did you know we’re on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

• I’m going to make my new ringtone Kenny stage-whispering to Lee: “You’re a BITCH!”
• The kiss between Jack Stone and Rachel:

• The Norwegian handball coach saying, “Handball is life” without a hint of irony was a top quote of the evening.
• Rachel is FEELING Peter and so. are. we. Dayum. Have some cutie little gap-toothed babies already!
• One of the clearest signs that Lee is a red flag of a human being (as if the racist tweets and highly punchable face weren’t enough)? The fact that he weight-lifts in cowboy boots and jeans. What. On. God’s. Green. Earth.

Okay, let’s get down to business. No wildcard points awarded last night. There will be wildcard points for tomorrow, however. Stay tuned.

A note: typically we do the Mid-Season Draft between Episode 5 and 6, but this season, we’re doing it AFTER Episode 6 (before Episode 7) because we can’t possibly expect all of our leagues to get that shiz ready within 24 hours. We haven’t been training for back-to-back Bachelorette viewings. We’re wheezing on the steps. We’re out of breath. So look for more information on the Mid-Season Draft coming later this week.

• Adam: 35 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
• Alex: 45 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Anthony: 35 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
• Bryan: 110 points (STAT CORRECTION)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling in love with you” to her (20 points)
• Dean: 10 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
• Eric: 45 points 
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Iggy: 25 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
• Jack Stone: 35 points
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
    • Note: he said he could see himself falling in love, not that he was falling in love. Ergo, no points!
• Jonathan: 0 points
• Josiah: 50  points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Kenny: 115 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
• Lee: 85 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
  • Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
  • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
• Matt: 40 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
• Peter: 50 points 
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
• Will: 80 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)

Did you know we’re on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

• Adam: 55 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
• Alex: 20 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
• Anthony: 20 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
• Brady: 0 points
• Bryan: 60 points
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s on-on-one time (5 points)
• Bryce: 0 points
• Dean: 165 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Saying I’m “falling in love with her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Diggy: 0 points
• Eric: 35 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Iggy: 70 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
• Jack Stone: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Jonathan: 50 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
• Josiah: 50 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
• Kenny: 70 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Singing for the Bachelorette (5 points)
  • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
• Lee: 120 points
  • Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (15 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
• Matt: 45 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
• Peter: 65 points 
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Singing for the Bachelorette (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Will: 50 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)

Did you know we’re on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

The Bach needs more Ellen, less urban horseback riding, and more mud-wrestling (but only with the dudes).

We didn’t give Bryce points for talking shit about another contestant, by name — because he didn’t talk to the Bachelorette, he told Raven and Company. Oh my god, that’s the name of my new distressed jeans company.

Wildcard points were going to be 15 to the first guy to comfort Rachel about DeMario, but no one really did. So, two weeks with no wildcard points. We’ll try and get a good category next week.

ALSO LIFE UPDATE: both yo’ girls are now living in Denver. We’re trying to get back on the East Coast/Midwest live tweet stream…but in the meantime, we’ll be tweeting on mountain time.

• Adam: 70 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Alex: 100 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Anthony: 115 points – STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Attending a concert (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Blake E.: 15 points -STAT CORRECTION
  • Saying that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (15 points)
• Brady: 75 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Bryan: 65 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Bryce: 75 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Dean: 55 points – STAT CORRECTION
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• DeMario: 0 points
• Diggy: 45 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Eric: 105 points 
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Getting the rose on the group date (35 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Fred: 50 points – STAT CORRECTION
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Iggy: 60 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Jack Stone: 70 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Jamey: 0 points
• Jonathan: 55 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Josiah: 15 points
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Kenny: 80 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Lee: 90 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Shoving another contestant (20 points)
  • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Lucas: 35 points 
  • Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points)
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
• Matt: 40 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Peter: 40 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Will: 65 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)

Did you know we’re on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Reminder that we announce our wildcard points category each Monday before the show starts on Twitter. Follow us there to see what it is. (And come live-tweet with us! There are gifs and snark a-plenty to make it worth your while.)

Wildcard points: 15 points went to the first guy to arrive in anything but a limo. Those went to Blake E., who arrived in the middle of a marching band, presumably because he is an “aspiring drummer.” It seems like he is aspiring to be the house tattletale, which will likely be his demise. Gotta get fluent in Bachelorese before you go on this show, Blakey boy.

Onto the points!

• Adam: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Alex: 35 points
  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Anthony: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Blake E.: 45 points – STAT CORRECTION
  • Wildcard points (15 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Singing or playing an instrument for the Bachelorette (5 points)
• Blake K: 0 points
• Brady: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Bryan: 50 points – STAT CORRECTION
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
• Bryce: 30 points
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Dean: 30 points
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (sandcastle equipment) (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• DeMario: 35 points
  • Singing or playing an instrument for the Bachelorette (5 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Diggy: 30 points
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Eric: 30 points
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Fred: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Grant: 0 points
• Iggy: 30 points
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Jack Stone: 35 points
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Jamey: 30 points
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Jedidiah: 0 points
• Jonathan: 30 points
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Josiah: 35 points
  • Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Kenny: 35 points
  • Mentioning his kid (5 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Kyle: 5 points
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (Jamaican buns, I think he said?) (5 points)
• Lee: 40 points
  • Singing or playing an instrument for the Bachelorette (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (a flower) (5 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Lucas: 55 points
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (whaboom shirt) (5 points)
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Matt: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Michael: 5 points
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (brownie) (5 points)
• Milton: 25 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
• Mohit: 20 points
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
• Peter: 30 points
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (chocolates she didn’t like) (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Rob: 5 points
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (first round draft pick card — UM IS THIS A SHOUT OUT?!) (5 points)
• Will: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

I mean, sweet Moses! We need ample time to carefully research our picks, ABC. We comb through those bios. Check up on contestants’ social media accounts. This isn’t a rush-order job.

Me, researching my picks, this weekend:

We kick off Season 13 of “The Bachelorette” with extremely high hopes thanks to our intelligent, beautiful Bach, Rachel — the show’s first ever POC Bachelor or Bachelorette, which is insane. Are we very nervous that the show/its contestants will not handle the subject of race delicately? Oh, yeah, you bet.

We put out a call on Twitter for new suggested points categories and we got some great ones. In fact, we chose three of your suggestions, and we’ll file away some of the others for wildcard points to pepper in throughout the season.

If you’ve never played before, or if this is your SEVENTH season playing, read on for the details below. Welcome to the 75th Annual Hunger Games!

HOW OUR BACHELORETTE FANTASY LEAGUE WORKS

1) Gather your “Bachelorette”-loving friends and coworkers, and choose a League Commissioner. The Commissioner is responsible for tallying league members’ points each week and sharing the standings with the league.

2) Choose how your league is going to run your draft (read more on that below) and submit your contestant picks to your league commissioner.

3) Watch “The Bachelorette” every Monday night, beginning May 22 on ABC.

4) Visit this blog every Tuesday to see how each of your contestants scored. The league commissioner should add up the point totals for each team in order to figure out the weekly rankings. You can use our BachFantasy Scoring Template to keep track of your league members’ scores.

THE DRAFT

You have a few options when it comes to drafting your Bachelorette fantasy league team of five contestants. Click here to read more about how to draft your team.

POINTS CATEGORIES

When picking contestants, you’re the team owner. So, go with your gut. The Crazies earn a lot of points (and they’re the very lifeblood of the show’s existence), but you’ll be most rewarded for picking contestants who go the distance.

Points are divided into Phrases, Actions, and Roses. We post a wildcard points category on Twitter every Monday before the episode airs, so be sure to follow us there for the latest info.

There will also be a mid-season draft after Episode 5 in which you’ll be able to add one player to your team if it’s no longer intact. Don’t worry about that for now; there will be more deets later. Onto the points!

We’ve added three (count ’em, THREE) sparkling new points categories this year: Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points); Shoving another contestant (20 points); and Being hugged by the Bachelorette with the leg wraparound (10 points).

We also made an update to an old category. In the past, a contestant only received points for saying the phrase “not here for the right reasons” to the Bachelor/ette. This season, we did away with that last part. If a contestant utters those magical words at any point on-air, he gets points.

Phrases

• Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
• Mentioning his kid (5 points)
• Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
• Mentioning a previous fiancee or wife (10 points)
• Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
• Discussing his virginity (15 points)
• Saying that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (15 points) [UPDATED FOR 2017]
• Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (15 points)
• Talking shit to the Bachelorette about another contestant in the house, by name (20 points) [NEW IN 2017]
• Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for/in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
• Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
• Being told “I love you” by theBachelorette (50 points)

Actions

• Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
• Bonus: using the phrase “steal [the Bachelorette] away” during said interruption (5 points)
• Dancing (5 points)
• Wearing a helmet (5 points)
• Singing or playing an instrument for the Bachelorette (5 points)
• Hot tubbing (5 points)
• Giving the Bachelorette a gift (5 points)
• Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Must be sitting on the ground
• Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
• Being hugged by the Bachelorette with legs wrapped around him (10 points) [NEW IN 2017]
• Attending a concert (10 points)
• Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
• Riding on a boat (10 points)
• Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
• Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelorette on a group date (15 points)
• Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
• Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
• Shoving another contestant (20 points) [NEW IN 2017]
• Interrupting a rose ceremony to ask to speak with the Bachelorette alone (20 points)
• Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
• Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Must actually see moisture fall; we’re sticklers on this
• Having a secret girlfriend at home (25 points)
• Having a body part blurred out any point (30 points)
  • Only for nudity; having your mouth blurred for profanity doesn’t count
• Leaving the show early on his own accord (30 points)
• Drafting the next Bachelor on your team (40 points)
• Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)

Roses

• Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points, only available first night)
• Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
• Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
• Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
• Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Getting the rose on a group date (now worth 35 points)
• Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
• Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
• Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
• Refusing the Fantasy Suite when the Bachelorette is game (-75 points)
• Proposing or being proposed to (85 points)
• Winning the Final Rose (100 points)

Wildcard Points 

Each week, we’ll announce the wildcard category for the next episode on Twitter (so follow us there for up-to-date info). It will change each week, and is only awarded to one man per episode. For example, one wildcard category might be: the first man to break into song this week gets 25 points.

SCORING

We’ll score each episode for you and post each contestant’s scores every Tuesday. Be sure to check back every Tuesday to see how your teams are stacking up against one another within your own league. We’ll also be posting an episode recap for those of you just can’t get enough Bach.

Will you be joining us this season? Let us know your league or individual team name in the comments. We love your puns. 

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

We post our Wildcard Points Category every Monday on Twitter, so be sure to follow us there. Wildcard points last night: 20 points were up for grabs to the first lady who arrived to the Bachelor mansion in something other than formalwear. Alexis won that handily, dressed as Left Shark from Katy Perry’s Super Bowl performance. Her dolphin call upset the shit out of my dog. He had to leave the room.

Reminder: you can use our Season 21 Scoring Template to keep track of your league’s points.

• Alexis: 65 points
  • Wearing a costume native to another country (sumo wrestler) (5 points)
  • Wildcard points (20 points)
  • Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Angela: 10 points
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Giving the Bachelor a gift (picture frame) (5 points)
• Astrid: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Briana: 25 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
• Brittany: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Christen: 30 points
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Corinne: 45 points
  • Giving the Bachelor a gift (that random-ass bag of tokens) (5 points)
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Danielle L.: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Danielle M.: 30 points
  • Giving the Bachelor a gift (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Dominique: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Elizabeth “Liz”: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Elizabeth: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Hailey: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Ida Marie: 0 points
• Jaimi: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Jasmine B: 0 points
• Jasmine G: 55 points
  • Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Josephine: 30 points
  • Giving the Bachelor a gift (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Kristina: 50 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Lacey: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Lauren: 25 points
  • Crying on camera (25 points)
• Michelle: 0 points
• Olivia: 0 points
• Rachel: 50 points
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
• Raven: 30 points – STAT CORRECTION
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Sarah: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Susannah: 0 points
• Taylor: 30 points STAT CORRECTION
  • Wearing a helmet (5 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Vanessa: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Whitney: 25 points
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)

P.S. You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking wine and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!

BEST UNDERRATED MOMENT during the finale? When they cut to the live studio audience after she lets Robby go, and everyone is sitting shell-shocked like they’d just received extremely personal, deeply troubling news. We’d kill to be in that audience; you know yo gals would give the producers some MONEY reaction shots.

Thanks again for another great season! We won’t be scoring “Bachelor in Paradise” but we will be occasionally live-tweeting, so you can follow us there if you’re missing our snark. Rest up in the off-season — take that vacation, schedule that surgery you’ve been putting off. We’ll see you right back here for the next season of “The Bachelor” when you’re rested and ready.

• Jordan: 335 points
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (hat; note) (5 points)
  • Riding on a boat (10 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Being told “I love you” by the Bachelorette (50 points)
  • Proposing or being proposed to (85 points)
  • Winning the Final Rose (100 points)
• Robby: 110 points
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Meeting the Bachelorette’s family and/or friends (15 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
  • Giving the Bachelorette a gift (flowers; photos; note) (5 points)
  • Going on a picnic (5 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Crying on camera (25 points)

How did your team do going into Hometowns? We did the math for you.

• Alex: 60 points 
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Wearing a costume or clothing native to another country (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
• Chase: 45 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• James Taylor: 40 points
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Saying “I’m falling for you” to the Bachelorette or “I’m falling for her” to the camera (20 points)
• Jordan: 120 points 
  • Being selected for a one-on-one date (20 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Dancing (5 points)
  • Hot tubbing (5 points)
  • Talking about his parents’ relationship (5 points)
  • Saying “I love you” to the Bachelorette (30 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
  • Wildcard points (First to appear shirtless) (20 points)
• Luke: 55 points 
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Being selected to go on a one-on-one (20 points)
  • Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
• Robby: 85 points 
  • Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
  • Having a body party blurred on camera (30 points)
  • Kissing the Bachelorette on the lips (10 points)
  • Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Never miss a post! You can sign up to get an email every time we post by entering your email address in the widget at the very bottom of the page.

Did you know we’re on Facebook and also on Twitter? We live-tweet every episode, often while drinking and yelling at the TV. It’s a good time. Come tweet with us!