Bach Fantasy

Nick’s career with the Bachelor franchise is like one of those trick birthday candles. Ladies keep blowing his light out, he keeps coming right on back. Will one of this year’s 30 aspiring dolphins contestants be the one to finally…dump a bucket of water on his head (I’ve lost control of this metaphor) and end this cycle ? We sure hope so. 

We’re here to help you draft a winning team. Read on for our take on this year’s cast. We’ll see you on Twitter tomorrow night and back here for episode one points!

Alexis | Age: 23 | Aspiring Dolphin Trainer | Seacaucus, NJ
Choice line from her bio: Her ex-boyfriend told her she “had a mustache at a Giant’s game.” When’s the wedding?
We need to hear more about: Honestly, this mustache scene. I hope she dumped 10 beers on him and spiked a football on his head.
Draftability: 5/10

Angela | Age: 26 | Model | Greenville, SC
Choice line from her bio: This girl is ready to get wifed up. To all the modeling casting agents in Greenville, SC: book Angela while you can. She’s leaving the scene behind for a shiny new minivan as soon as she can.
We need to hear more about: Her habit of licking the popcorn bag. I’m not here to food shame anyone, but that’s a little weird. On second thought, I don’t need to hear any more about it.
Draftability: 4/10

Astrid | Age: 26 | Plastic Surgery Office Manager | Tampa, FL
Choice line from her bio: Astrid’s biggest fear is “dying alone and getting old and wrinkly.” Just really getting right to the point, huh?
We need to hear more about: What she thinks dolphins do. Is the average dolphin out there rescuing sailors and jumping through hula hoops in the middle of the Atlantic?
Draftability: 6/10

Briana | Age: 28 | Surgical Unit Nurse | Salt Lake City, UT
Choice line from her bio: She (along with every. other. girl.) wants to be Ariel because she “has great hair, cool animal friends, and marries a cutie.” Let’s be real, that’s what we all want (especially the part about animal friends).
We need to hear more about: Why she used up one of her 5 “can’t live without it” items for socks. Socks? Really? Socks?
Draftability: 6/10

Brittany | Age: 26 | Travel Nurse | Santa Monica, CA
Choice line from her bio: She admires Beyonce the most in the world because she’s “a strong, sexy, independent woman who can sing and dance like no other.” Girl, YES. Not only is Beyonce the correct answer to this question, I was half expecting to hear that she admired some famous dolphin based on the way these bios have been going.
We need to hear more about: What she would cook to impress a man. Based on that answer and her love for Beyonce, I think I’D like to offer Brittany a rose.
Draftability: 8/10 (I’m obviously biased)

Christen | Age: 25 | Wedding Videographer | Tulsa, OK
Choice line from her bio: If she could break a law, she’d break into the White House and observe what really goes on there. I’m with her big time, but preferably before January 20, 2017. I don’t think I have the stomach for what I’d likely hear after that…
We need to hear more about: Why she spelled her name wrong. What gives, Kristen?
Draftability: 7/10

Corinne | Age: 24 | Business Owner | Miami, FL
Choice line from her bio: Her ideal date is “just us, the ultimate dining experience in an amazing place.” I don’t know if you’ve seen this show before, Corinne, but I think you’re in the right place.
We need to hear more about: What her “business” is. Idk about you but this smells like a “We invented Post-Its” sort of sitch.

Draftability: 7/10

Danielle L.  | Age: 27 | Small Business Owner | Los Angeles, CA
Choice line from her bio: She listens to the Glee soundtrack and is embarrassed about it. Listen, if any non-Glee musicians want to try and top The Warblers version of Teenage Dream, knock your socks off. Until then, Danielle and I, will be listening to Glee tunes and not apologizing for it.
We need to hear more about: Why she wants to be Olivia Pope. OP’s live seems stressful as hell. I think I’d last all of 5 minutes as Olivia Pope before I gave myself a heart attack waiting for Cyrus or someone to shoot me with a poison dart in Gettysburger.
Draftability: 7/10

Danielle M.  | Age: 31 | Neonatal Nurse | Nashville, TN
Choice line from her bio: Her fiance passed away. Let’s hope this is not another Sanderson Poe situation. Please don’t be a raging psychopath like Kelsey, Danielle.
We need to hear more about: Why she’d waste her chance to break any law eating ice cream on the sidewalk in Louisiana. While I ALWAYS support eating ice cream, there are way cooler laws to break, Danielle. Let’s talk.
Draftability: 8/10

Dominique | Age: 25 | Restaurant Server | Los Angeles, CA
Choice line from her bio: Her choice for a group lunch date would be “My grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jesus – and we’d be eating burritos from Chipotle.” Welp, alright.
We need to hear more about: What kind of burrito she orders from Chipotle. They came up in two different answers, so they must be important to her (which I respect). Does she spring for guac? How many salsas?
Draftability: 4/10

Elizabeth “Liz” | Age: 29 | Doula | Las Vegas, NV
Choice line from her bio: If Liz never had to “kill someone”, she’d be very happy. Jesus, Liz. Like, same, but way to take it to the next level.
We need to hear more about: The meaning of all her tattoos. Lizzie’s got a lot of ink. Wonder what the “tree” and “another tree” are all about.
Draftability: 6/10

Elizabeth | Age: 25 | Marketing Manager | Dallas, TX
Choice line from her bio: Elizabeth claims to have “misophonia,” which according to WebMD (I’m paraphrasing here) is some sort of intense emotional response to a minor sound, typically from someone else’s body – the noise of someone eating, breathing, yawning, etc. Apparently reactions can range from anxiety to the desire to kill whoever is making the noise. Don’t mind if I stay the hell away from Elizabeth.
We need to hear more about: What “organized messy” is. I think you only get to pick one…
Draftability: 4/10

Hailey | Age: 23 | Photographer | Vancouver, BC, Canada
Choice line from her bio: Hailey tells us “only children are strange.” Good thing we know from both of his hometowns that Nick has 45 siblings. He’ll pass Hailey’s test.
We need to hear more about: This “Hank” tattoo. Hailey casually mentions that she has a tattoo of “Hank” on her forearm, but offers no explanation or context.
Draftability: 8/10

Ida Marie | Age: 23 | Sales Manager | Harlingen, TX
Choice line from her bio: When asked about her favorite book of all-time, Ida admits “I need to read more books.” Like more than zero? You can’t even name one?
We need to hear more about: Seriously, can Ida read? Her answer to two questions was that she needs to read more books.
Draftability: 7/10 – Literacy and success on this show are not correlated

Jaimi | Age: 28 | Chef | New Orleans, LA
Choice line from her bio: Jaimi’s worst date involved being sung to in a restaurant. I, too, have been sung to against my will, and can confirm it is the living worst.
We need to hear more about: When she catered the Oscars. Hullo, dish us up some hot Hollywood gos please and thanks, Jaimi. 
Draftability: 4/10

Jasmine B. | Age: 25 | Flight Attendant | Tacoma, WA
Choice line from her bio: I KNOW I was just complaining about how Ida can’t name any authors or books, but that may be preferable to Jasmine’s answer, which is Steve Harvey. You’re thinking of the right Steve Harvey. That’s who she picked. The Family Feud guy. 

We need to hear more about: Her prior engagement and why he wasn’t deserving of her greatness.
Draftability: 3/10 – The Steve Harvey thing really hurt her

Jasmine G. | Age: 29 | Pro Basketball Dancer | San Francisco, CA
Choice line from her bio: Honestly, there are a couple of doozies in this one. I’ll go with her referring to herself as the “girl version” of Guy Fieri, which feels like one of the biggest insults you could possibly cast on yourself..
We need to hear more about: Her ideal lunch. Mainly, how do I score an invite. Pizza with RuPaul, Dave Chapelle, and Prince? I’m in, as long as Guy Fieri has nothing to do with it.
Draftability: 4/10

Josephine | Age: 24 | Registered Nurse | Santa Cruz, CA
Choice line from her bio: Josephine was one of the few people capable of naming an author/book other than “Steve Harvey” or “n/a.”
We need to hear more about: Her theater skills. It’s inevitable that there will be some absurd group date that requires public humiliation a performance, so hopefully Josephine is game to dust them off.
Draftability: 5/10

Kristina | Age: 24 | Dental Hygienist | Lexington, KY
Choice line from her bio: Kristina tells us she is her favorite clothing designer, because when she can’t find something to wear, she’ll just make her own outfit. I…ok…whatever, we’ll let her have this one.
We need to hear more about: Her backstory/adoption. And I’m sure we will. If the hours we’ve dedicated to this show have taught us anything, it’s that a contestant will share stories of emotional trauma, and then use that as an opportunity to french the Bachelor.
Draftability: 7/10

Lacey | Age: 25 | Digital Marketing Manager | Manhattan, NY
Choice line from her bio: Lacey’s biggest date fear is that the guy would have another date right after hers. This is how I know she really does live in NYC, because that shit happens here.
We need to hear more about: What she plans to talk about with Joe Jonas and Shakespeare. Possibilities are endless really.
Draftability: 5/10

Lauren | Age: 30 | Law School Graduate | Naples, FL
Choice line from her bio: Lauren tells us that if she could go anywhere in the U.S., she’d pick “state parks like the Grand Canyon and Utah.” Ah yes, Utah has always been my favorite park.
We need to hear more about: Her job. According to her bio, Lauren is a “law school graduate,” (not a lawyer?), but her Instagram suggests she’s just one detox tea sponsorship away from starting her own lifestyle brand.
Draftability: 8/10

Michelle | Age: 24 | Food Truck Owner | Los Angeles, CA
Choice line from her bio: To impress a man, she’d take him kayaking. When I want to impress a man, I usually choose an activity that requires a helmet too. Talk about a panty dropper.
We need to hear more about: How she arrived at the right meal for each hypothetical guest. Michelle interpreted the directions a little differently and named a distinct meal for each lunch guest – Dumbledore gets a roast, Gwen Stefani gets tacos, and Princess Diana gets fish and chips.
Draftability: 5/10

Olivia | Age: 25 | Apparel Sales Representative | Anchorage, AK
Choice line from her bio: The most outrageous thing Olivia has ever done was to try out for her high school football team and become the kicker. I’ll give it to her, that’s pretty badass.
We need to hear more about: This maid of honor speech. I’ve given a few and know they can be nerve wracking, but I truly can’t imagine throwing my hands up in the air and abandoning the whole thing in the middle of it. This may not bode well for her career on TV… 
Draftability: 7/10

Rachel | Age: 31 | Attorney | Dallas, TX
Choice line from her bio: Rachel would choose to be Michelle Obama for the day if given the option. YAS. Thank you. To be honest, I’d have been happy with any answer other than GUY FIERI, but Michelle Obama IS the correct answer to this question.
We need to hear more about: Rachel seems like a relatively normal, successful, boss bitch. What are we missing? Why is poor Rachel dragging herself onto The Bachelor? Clearly she’s too normal and will leave after no more than 3 episodes, with her dignity intact.
Draftability: 5/10

Raven | Age: 25 | Fashion Boutique Owner | Hoxie, AR
Choice line from her bio: Two in a row with solid answers to this question. Raven tells us that she would choose to be Blue Ivy for the day, which is one of the few other acceptable answers to this question
We need to hear more about: What type of fashions is she selling at her boutique? What are the ladies of Hoxie, AR feelin’ these days?
Draftability: 5/10

Sarah | Age: 26 | Grade School Teacher | Newport Beach, CA
Choice line from her bio: Sarah tells us that the most outrageous thing she’s done is a toss up between appearing on The Bachelor or moving to NYC with “3 bucks, 2 bags, 1 me.” That last piece she lifted from little orphan Annie, and if you also knew that immediately, we can be friends.
We need to hear more about: What the big effing deal about having a star named after you? Maybe I’m a scrooge, but I’M SO SURE that there are actually individual, unique stars being named after people. It’s definitely not a company just selling you a piece of cardstock with a Clip Art constellation on it for $29.99.
Draftability: 7/10

Susannah | Age: 26 | Account Manager | San Diego, CA
Choice line from her bio: Susannah apparently tried the bend and snap and almost concussed herself in the process. Be careful out there, ladies.
We need to hear more about: The appeal of wearing a seashell bra. Susannah wants to be Ariel, and, like, fine, but one of her reasons is that Ariel wears a seashell bra. Idk about you gals, but that sounds painful af. The last thing I need my bras to be is harder.
Draftability: 5/10

Taylor | Age: 23 | Mental Health Counselor | Seattle, WA
Choice line from her bio: Taylor favorite clothing designer is Forever 21. Bless.
We need to hear more about: ABC picked boring questions to share for Taylor. How am I supposed to know if I like her unless I know whether she wants to be a dolphin or not?!
Draftability: 5/10

Vanessa | Age: 29 | Special Education Teacher | Montreal, Canada
Choice line from her bio: Vanessa’s most romantic gift was a promise ring, which would make sense as an answer…if she weren’t a current contestant on The Bachelor. Either that promise was broken or we’re about to have a deliciously dramatic season.
We need to hear more about: Why the hell she’d choose to be an onion. Definitely pick the veggie that instantly makes everyone around you cry. Sure.
Draftability: 3/10

Whitney | Age: 25 | Pilates Instructor | Chanhassen, MN
Choice line from her bio: When asked how much she enjoys the theater, Whitney tells us “I like going to movies but also fun to rent them at home.” Not the question, dear.
We need to hear more about: I’ll pass here. I’m tired and Whitney is boring me.
Draftability: 4/10