Bach Fantasy

All aboard the crazy train this season, BachFantasy-ers. Choo choo! Show opens with a surprise appearance from the reanimated ghosts of Bachelors and Bachelorettes past, mingling and strutting the red carpet like it’s an awards show. But let’s focus on the meat and potatoes of the episode—the looney tune parade about to spill out from a caravan of limos idling outside the Bachelor Mansion.

Limo Introductions

First to step out of the limo is Britt. The hug she gives him is the reason this episode was three hours. She performs lamaze into his lapel for about 45 seconds, then gives him a coupon for a free hug. Are homemade coupons still a thing? I did this for my mom one Christmas when I was little, and even I knew it was lame: “One koupon valid for picking up dog poopies.” Get a real gift.

Following Britt we have Whitney, Kelsey, Megan, and Ashley I. Yawn.

Limo #2 rolls up and Trina steps out first. We completely forget about her because the next contestant Reegan strolls up to Chris with a biohazard cooler. She should’ve gone full crazy, opened the cooler wordlessly, then whispered: “THIS IS ALL THAT’S LEFT OF THE LAST MAN WHO DUMPED ME.”

Not to be upstaged, Tara hops out of the limo, cowboy boots first. She takes a lap and makes a pit stop to slam a jack and coke, burp, and do a costume change. Chris, to his credit, (tentatively) recognizes her when she walks up to him for a second time, now in a cocktail dress. Meh.

Amanda’s eyeballs give Chris a secret admirer note. Jillian the Crossfitter sizes Chris up, but decides to benchpress him later. How much you wanna bet that 90% of her Facebook photos are action shots of her during Crossfit workouts? Mother Kale, Ashley Onion, and Kaitlyn follow. Kaitlyn steals the show by telling Chris he can “plow the bleep out of her field any day.” Ride ‘em, cowgirl.

We’re treated to a limo intermission here, and there is wild speculation about whether there are more girls en route. Chris kicks off one-on-one time with Britt. They eye fuck each other and he basically puts a ring on it right then and there. Whitney takes a hit from a nearby helium tank, then brings up hog insemination with Chris #TalkDirtyToMe. Amanda is up next, and she rewards him with three minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.

Chris pretends like he’s cool with having just 15 contestants, but I can sense the quiet panic. There’s an insatiable greed for MOR LADIEZ.

So of course, the unthinkable happens. MORE LIMOS. The first fifteen girls have already, IMPOSSIBLY, formed alliances and are throwing major shade at the women who are arriving a mere 30 minutes after them. The first 15 ladies were one shot of tequila away from getting matching “Original 15” tattoos. Classic in-group, out-group scenario. Makes the world go round.

The Original 15 assume the position to defend their turf.

“The Others” continue rolling in, and there’s no shortage of sequins or gimmicky introductions. Chris is greeted by airplane seatbelts, motorcycles, whiskey shots, a pig nose, a brutal karaoke performance, and he still repeatedly referred to himself as the “luckiest man in the world.” What a sport liar.

The Originals continue to lose their collective shit as A SIXTH LIMO SHOWS UP. We’re introduced to Tracy, Bo, Kimberly, Kara, and Jade. Kara tells Chris that she thinks they’d make really cute babies, and you can practically see his weiner retreat inside his body.

Apparently while we weren’t looking, Ashley S. nibbled a handful of mushrooms, because she begins waxing philosophic about onions like a stoned college freshman. She approaches Chris and WWE Diva Brittany with a consolation rose and rambling on about how she wants “her time” with Chris. It’s all very awkward.

Then, talking directly to the cameras, she claims to see an onion growing in a bush outside the Bachelor Mansion. Because the producers are on our side, they tell her to go check it out. Ashley remarks, “If it’s a pomegranate, then God bless it.” Spoiler alert: it is a pomegranate. God wants nothing to do with it.

Britt gets the First Impression Rose and lands the first kissing points of the season.

Rose Ceremony

Meanwhile, Tara has killed a fifth of Jack by herself and is stumbling around the mansion hiccuping and slurring. She racks up drunk-on-camera points (editor’s note: I’m always delighted when I get to hand these out) and the rose ceremony is so long that she’s able to cycle through the Five Stages of Drunk: trying to conceal your buzz, shit-talking, uncoordination, acceptance/elation, and passing out.

Let’s order Domino’s! 

The good news is when the rose ceremony finally ended, McDonald’s was serving breakfast. Nothing cures a hangover like a Big Mac.

Kimberley is the first contestant in history (totally unverified) to be dismissed on the first episode and try to crawl her way back in. Gotta admire that perseverance. If you drafted her, she might not be gone forever.

We like where this season is headed.

Wildcard points for Monday’s episode: 20 points will go to the first bleepin’ contestant who has her mouth blurred for profanity.

This show is like an onion—zesty and it hurts our eyes,

Becca and Jorie

What was your favorite part of the premiere? Let us know in the comments!