This week we took a tour of the hometowns of the last bros standing. Moms plead their cases, sisters asked questions, brothers bonded, and dads were there…right? Let’s recap how each meet-the-parents date went.
First up, Nick is here to show us around Milwaukee. They wander through the Public Market and sample some local food. Any date that involves abundant food samples is A-okay in my book. They decided to get a little liquored up at a local brewery before meeting Nick’s family. Nick convinced the brewery to create a custom beer (or at least a custom tap…) in their honor: “Nick and Andi – The Perfect Brew.” The secret ingredient in this magic recipe? Fermented scarf fibers.
They head out to meet Nick’s family in Wauke$ha, WI. Am I the only one who didn’t know that Nick had one thousand siblings before tonight’s episode? They were one guitar away from becoming the Von Trapps. The Head Sister, Maria, questions both Nick and Andi with fairly predictable, though fair questions. Maria seems pretty smart and levelheaded, which means this is likely her first and last appearance on “The Bachelorette.”
The baby of the family steps up to cross-examine Andi. Bella asks, “What’s your favorite thing about my brother?” Andi replies, “We have a really good mental connection.” The eight year old has no idea what the fuck she’s talking about. I’m sorry, Andi, but the answer we were looking for is “He has a Razor scooter.” Bella proves to be a pretty useless investigator, as she forgets all of the questions she asked, but does succeed in being adorable.
Mom’s up next. Nick declares his love for Andi to his mom, who is supportive and wants him to be happy. She’s the first of four moms who seem unconcerned by the fact that Andi has three other boyfriends. Come on, moms. Do better.
Gas up the tractor, y’all, because we’re headed to Bumblefuck, IA to get a glimpse into Chris’s life. But really, Andi and Chris are actually going to ride a tractor. After a thrilling ride, they pick a nice patch of hay to sit on while they chat. Andi leads with a very reasonable question: What would she do for work here? Chris suggests that Andi, who is, at most, four years out of law school, be a homemaker. Andi doesn’t bite. Then Chris dangles the carrot of nearby Cedar Rapids, the glitzy metropolis just 60 miles away. Andi…still doesn’t bite.
Just in time to distract Andi from things that are actually important, the plane Chris hired flies by dragging a “Chris loves Andi” banner behind it. Homemaker, schomemaker. Suddenly Andi starts to think she could get used to this hay patch.
It’s family time now, and if you’re not wearing a statement necklace, you’re not getting a seat at this table. Chris’s family is pretty adorable. They playfully tease Chris and are generally cheerful. During their woman-to-woman chat, Mama offers to babysit Chris and Andi’s future children and they walk back to the group holding hands. Basically, they’re besties.
The night ends with some good ol’ fashioned fun. The grown ups all head outside to play Ghost in the Graveyard, not acknowledging the fact that the camera and lighting equipment following each of them make “hiding” a joke . SOMEHOW Andi finds Chris and they make out behind something metal. If you’re playing grownup hide and seek and don’t seize the opportunity to tongue your boo, you’re doing it wrong. Despite the large role that hay played in their day, Andi leaves Iowa looking pretty smitten.
We’re going to Trampa, FL next and I hope you brought your cleats. First stop is a baseball field. Wait, Josh plays baseball?!?! Josh pitches while Andi hits. She breaks a bat and Josh feels threatened, so he quickly puts an end to game time. While they’re chatting in the dugout, Josh drops in that he hasn’t played baseball in seven years, which begs the question: what the shit have you been doing for the past seven years? Wiping Aaron’s butt? Surely there is a statute of limitations on how long you qualify as a former something. By Josh’s logic, my LinkedIn profile could describe me as a “Fomer Girl Scout” or “Former Braces Wearer.”
The Bachelorette SportsCenter, it’s the Aaron Murray Show. Josh’s brother, Aaron, is a current college football player and has been preparing for the NFL draft, so STFU about your quest for eternal love, Josh. Josh is the most likeable he’s been all season when he’s greeted by his dog. That dog loves on him hard, and it’s basically the only attention Josh is going to get all day.
But, let’s not forget why we’re all here: to learn about how Andi feels about Aaron’s football career. Josh’s dad asks if Andi is ready to become a card-carrying member of the Aaron Murray fan club and come to games every Sunday. “Yes,” Andi lies.
Later it’s time for all the pretty people to play touch football. The whole thing is only a few pairs of madras shorts away from a Ralph Lauren ad.
Last but not least (except, spoiler alert, he is the least), we begin our tour of Dallas in Marcus’s Mercedes, because of course. Someone write that license plate number down, because if Andi goes missing at the end of this episode, we know whose trunk to check.
Marcus drives Andi past a lot of things that might actually be interesting to see from outside of a car, in order to take her to a dark lounge in the middle of the day. Who doesn’t love a surprise, one-on-one striptease while the sun is still out? Marcus reprises his sailor striptease, and I am simply not drunk enough to watch Marcus strut around in his panties for a second time this season.
Marcus puts his clothes back on and takes Andi back to meet his family. While talking to Marcus’s sister, Andi admits that she worries that she won’t catch up to Marcus’s rather, um, intense feelings. Given that it took Marcus about five minutes to declare Andi the love of his life, that’s fair.
Back to LA
With that, the hometown dates are over and back to LA we go. The men all show up to Chris Harrison’s house and the mood is quiet and uncomfortable as they wait for Andi. Once she arrives, Chris tells them that Eric Hill was in an accident and passed away. I guess it’s my fault for expecting ABC to take the high road, but it feels so disrespectful to Eric and the actual relationships that those on the show had with him to film their reactions like this.
Understandably, the mood for the remainder of the episode is somber, and Andi struggles to hold it together. The three roses go to Josh, Chris, and Nick, leaving Marcus to regret that second striptease in a major way.
Pack your sexiest scarf, it’s fantasy suite time,
-B, J, K