Last Week on the Bachelor, Episode 2

Ay dios mio, y’all. At the beginning of each season, I start out thinking, “Surely the producers must be running out of absurd situations in which to place these people.” Then, Monday comes around and I’m watching a woman with a law degree strategically positioning a rescue mutt to hide her labia from the camera. Le sigh.

Before we see what the producers have masterminded for episode three, let’s recall some of the most ludicrous lessons we learned in episode two.

Five Things I Learned From the Bachelor, Episode 2

  1. To be safe, always pack a sports bra and some Molly when going on a one-on-one date. JP whisks Kat away to the house music capital of the country (Salt Lake City, obvi) for a combination rave/5K run to show us that whatever you thought your worst-case, dating scenario was, you were wrong.

  2. Not all snow is cold. Either that, or the heat from Juan Pablo and Clare’s loins was caliente enough to make pants and coats optional in their winter wonderland.clare-and-jpg-making-out-1389742931

  3. The Bachelor makeup artists have never seen a real dog before. That’s just one possible explanation for why they made Kelly look like a papier-mache alien wearing blackface when costuming her as a “dog”. Another possible explanation: they have a great sense of humor and seized the opportunity.

  4. Bachelor producers lace the champagne with quaaludes, because according to Victoria, her epic meltdown occurred after just one glass. Buyer beware.

  5. “Life is about straddling people, and things.” This is just a hunch, but I think straddling people and things is the first step when performing the “hymen maneuver.”

Cheers to hot tubs and hymens,

B

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